Thursday, December 28, 2006


I'm ready for 2006 to be over. I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life so far. There were times when I desperately wanted to run away from everything and everyone but I managed to pull through. I am still a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend but I am no longer a mother. That portion of my life feels temporary though. Dare I sound hopeful that I will be a mother again? I don't know....I just feel like it will happen again, some day.

So, what is my resolution? Well, I resolve to make 2007 my own year. So much of my 2006 was dependant on other's. It's odd how easy it became to take a back seat to my own life. Right now I feel like a defiant three year old - shouting to the world, "You can't tell me what to do!" I don't want to be angry, just more in control of what goes on in my world. It's up to me, so I will only have myself to blame.

What is your resolution?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Goodbye to my Son

It's taken me a week to post this here but here goes...

After 2 years and 4 months, we have made the choice not to adopt our foster son. He was our first placement and this was the hardest decision of our lives.

He was 4 years old when he was placed with us. His previous foster-to-adopt home had said that he didn't bond to them. We thought they just said that to make it easier to move him. We thought that there must have been something about his behavior they didn't like.

He was our first placement....we had no experience with attachment issues, food issues or the highly charming manipulation. We were so naive.

We did attachment therapy (but I can see now we weren't dedicated enough). We policed his every move. We predicted his lies and behavior to his teachers but it fell on deaf ears.

Eventually we got him regular therapy. The teachers came around...we were all working together but it was still falling apart.

I hope, with all my heart, that the family he's with right now are dedicated to making it work with him. I hope they don't have to deal with the lying and manipulation. I hope they can do what we couldn't and that he feels loved and protected enough.

Goodbye T. I hope one day you'll understand that our decision was made with love and lots of hope for your future as well as our own. And I hope (as we've told each other many times) that no matter where you are, you'll always be my boy.

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Empress

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Um, stuff

I've gotten quite slack in posting, huh? Well, let's see....since the last time I wrote we have gotten a new foster placement. D & P are sisters and they are younger than T. We're wondering if D is autistic so we're trying to get her evaluated. I don't know how long we'll have the girls but they have a court date in January so at least until then.

T's behavior hasn't gotten any better and at the moment I'm actively ignoring everything. I've made it clear to him that since he chooses not to listen to me or follow the rules then there I have nothing to say to him. Since most of what he says to me is a lie, I've also told him that I would prefer he not speak to me either.

Let me state here that there's no point in leaving comments saying I'm being mean. You haven't tried everything to get through to this child for over 2 years. I have and then is the point I've come to.

I guess it would make more sense to explain that T's lying has caused us quite the heartbreak. He's managed to convince someone at his school that he's being mistreated and they've called the CPS hotline on us numerous times. We've been investigated and have found to be innocent but it hurts to go through that and to know that your 6 year old soon-to-be-adoptive son would be so manipulative and cause that much pain. It makes us question whether we should go through with the adoption.

Other than that, it's been a mad scramble to get the girls evaluations and doctor's visits scheduled. My back is killing me and I just want a vacation.

I'm doing a craft show at an elementary school this weekend (with a friend) to hopefully sell the stuff I made over the summer. Wish me luck because I could use the money right about now.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

It's Been A While

I guess I just didn't have anything different to say. I had a good birthday with unexpected gifts that I was ecstatic about (a Cricut machine!) but other than that life was just as it had been. We were (and still are) pretty broke. The other house is dragging us down. We really needed someone to buy it but we have found someone to rent it. I think they will be renting for a year but we've told them that we will be putting it back on the market in 6 months. I really hope it sells so we don't have to keep going through this.

Two weeks ago T had his goodbye visit with his birthmother. It went really well. She was very appropriate with him and spoke to us with concern and respect. We have agreed to send her a photo once a year and to set up a PO box so that she can send T cards and letters when she wishes. I informed her that we will be reading everything she sends. It's not that we're being nosy but we want to ensure that she doesn't write anything that will hurt, scare or confuse T.

I was worried that T's behavior after the visit would be horrible. Since he has so much trouble expressing his emotions, they tend to leak out as behavior problems but we haven't had any trouble at all. I wouldn't say he's been perfect but no worse than usual. I think knowing that he can write letters to her has really helped alleviate some of his anxiety. He also seems more settled and happy that he's had some closure to the situation.

Next month is the court date for termination of parental rights. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the attorney appointed to the non-existent birthfather doesn't turn up with anything. CPS has already done a search so I'm not sure how far his search will go.

I'm hesitant to say things are looking up but they haven't gotten any worse.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Another Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 31. This time last year I was in major denial but I have to say that 30 wasn't the catastrophe that I thought it would be. At least there's no Hurricane Rita on the way. That really put a damper on party plans last year.

I hope that 31 brings better things than 30 did.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Quiet

I work in an office but changed from 8 - 5 to 7 - 4 when we moved to this building. When I get to work, there is usually only one other person here. After the usual pleasantries have been exchanged, each of sit quietly at our computers slowly starting our day. I generally open my work emails first and try to respond to most of them before anyone else gets here.

I like starting my day this way. I like that only one person knows if I'm late. I like that I only have to mumble one "good morning" before ducking into my cubicle. I'm not a morning person....I need the quiet and the chance to fully wake up before delving into things.

We currently share office space with another company that was owned by the parent company. They have been sold off and now we have to move out. I don't mind the move too much except that I've been told that everyone will have to return to working 8 - 5.

There goes the quiet.

Monday, August 21, 2006

My Famous Dog

Have you ever heard of Cute Overload? Head on over there to check out my pug, Mollie. She's under the title Macro Mania.

I hope you think she's as cute as I do!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


Today is the beginning of the new school year. T is wearing his new Superman shirt and was so excited he kept biting on his lip. I cannot believe that two years ago I was still grappling with my newfound motherhood. I was trying to find out how to get this little kid-stranger into 1/2 day Pre-K and struggling with getting a copy of his immunization record. Today I have a 1st grader! I hope he keeps up the good work, otherwise, his teacher has no idea what she's in for!

Since T will be adopted before the end of the year, we thought it would be nice if he started the year with what will become his new last name. We just thought it would be confusing to change in the middle of the school year. Luckily, his teacher and the assistant principal are both fine with calling him by his new last name even though, legally, he still maintains his birthname.

In other beginnings, I am going to be renting a space in a store in which to sell the things I have been making/sewing recently. It's an area of town that is packed with little crafty stores so I'm hoping my stuff does well.

I'm so ready for fall! I love when the seasons change - they bring so much possibility!

Friday, August 11, 2006


T's cw has been saying she needs to come to our home to see T. She usually saw him during birthparent visits but since his bmom is in jail, she hasn't seen him in months. It was also important for her to come by because we needed to sign a piece of paper called Memorandum of Understanding. Basically, it states what bmom wants us to do if she voluntarily relinquishes her rights. Unfortunately (or fortunately - depending on your viewpoint) it is inadmissible in court as it would be seen as coercion. After the adoption, if we do not do what she's asked, there's nothing she can do about it. She cannot take us to court over it.

We certainly plan on following through with her requests as we feel they may be beneficial for T. As he is 6 years old and has had a relationship with her all this time, it will be a hard adjustment for him to know that he is not going to see her anymore. That is why we do not have a problem with a "goodbye visit." It will give him closure.

He has already had so much taken away from him - being moved from foster home to foster home. He will see this has having yet another thing taken away which is why we are going to provide a P.O. box for her to correspond with him if she wishes.

We will be reading anything that she sends and will not allow him to see anything that we feel will hurt him in any way. We will also be reading anything that he wants to send to her and will censor any "identifying" information - name of his school or sports team, address or phone number, etc.

If there comes a time when he does not want to correspond with her, we will not force him to. If he does not want to see anything she sends, we will put it away so that he can have it at a later date if he wishes.

Other than that......he should be adopted by the end of the year!!! I can't believe it! I can't believe I'm so happy about it when a few months ago I didn't even know if it was something I wanted anymore.

We've had quite a turbulent two years. I think we deserve a little happiness.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

I Never Thought I'd Say This

T has not gotten in trouble for 16 days. Seriously! I know, right? It's too good to be true. It's like a lightbulb has been switched on and he seems to be "getting it." I was a little worried yesterday when he told a tiny lie for absolutely no reason unless he thought he was going to get in trouble (which he wasn't) or it was just out of habit. In either case, he was given a warning and the night went on as usual. So, 16 days!!

The therapist believes there will be some regression when school starts but she's really proud of him. If he keeps up the good work, she thinks we'll be ready for another child in 2 - 3 months.

I just wish we could be guaranteed a little girl at that time.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

So the evaluation wasn't really as thorough or professional as I thought it would be. We talked to Dr. C and told him what T does while T was playing outside. Maybe I should have stressed the lying part. He seemed to want to make us feel bad about second-guessing our plans to adopt. He said T needs stability. Well, duh - tell me something I don't know! He said that T is very smart (uh-huh) and that he seems to be showing some symptoms of ADD, not ADHD. He said that bringing another child in the home may cause him to compete for attention and question his place in the home. It may cause his behaviors to worsen. Yes, that's called "regression" and is supposed to be temporary. What I need to know, dear doctor, is whether T needs to be an only child or the youngest child in the home. J and I want at least one more child - a girl. If what's best for T is that he is an only child then T needs to be with another family. I love him and, at the moment, I feel I could parent him for the rest of my life but I do not want to resent him which is what will happen if I can't have a girl because of him.

I really, really, really want to have a daughter. I have the pink room. I have the dolls and tea set. I even have clothes for a girl. I just need the girl!!

So, I guess we'll see what the collaborative answer is - the doctor, the therapist, the cw and us - before any decisions are made.

Thursday, July 27, 2006


Today is T's evaluation. I'm curious to see what Dr. C will have to say and whether he thinks T should be on medication. T has been so much better this week. The whole house is calmer when T is making better choices.

When we started thinking of becoming parents there were so many obstacles to overcome. First, how do we get a kid? It's not like we could ever have an oops baby so this was going to require some planning. Yes, we found a donor and tried IUIs. After 5 months I was pregnant. A couple of weeks later I wasn't pregnant anymore. Anyone who's miscarried a much wanted child will know how much that sucks.

We made the choice to switch donors. We tried again for six months. We were anxious to be parents and just didn't have the patience for this mess anymore. We couldn't afford IVF.

We looked into domestic and international adoption. I really wanted to adopt from Haiti but where was the money going to come from?

Then we learned about our agency and how you can adopt through foster care. It is relatively inexpensive which meant we wouldn't have to go into debt and we could afford to adopt again.

So, you see.....we didn't get into foster care to 'save the children'....we did it because we wanted to be parents. We didn't educate ourselves enough on attachment issues. We were naive and really thought we could handle almost anything.

Man, were we stupid.

We accepted the placement of a 4 year old boy that he lived in at least 3 foster homes before ours. We should have asked more questions. We should have gotten a better evaluation from the start. We should have been more aggressive with our attachment therapy. Or.....we should have passed on the placement.

But, the thing is, we didn't. Now we have to deal with where we are at the moment.

At the moment, we have a funny, smart and hurt boy that is trying the best he knows how to be what we want him to be. He wants us to be proud of him. I hope that means there's some attachment there. I hope that means for all the bad we've done that we've also done some good.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


I saw this pattern for Bitty Booties and I knew I had to make them. Granted, we don't have a baby (thanks to the judges in our county) but J's sister has a baby boy that they just might fit. So, here's my first shot at it. Cute huh? For some reason I had trouble with the blanket stitch. I know that blanket stitches aren't hard but I kept attempting to do it upside down or something. I don't know but it was very frustrating. Anyway, I made them from red felt that I had in my small stash. I used white embroidery floss to embellish with circles.

I loved this pair so much that I had to make another. Here is my second attempt. I took the photo this evening so I didn't have a lot of natural light to work with. This isn't really true to color - they aren't quite that bright blue.

I really like them! I'm going to be mailing them off to little V soon. I sure hope they fit!

In other news, I've finally made an appointment to get T a psychological evaluation. We've also got to stuff a cw visit and our family worker visit in this week too. Ugh. I hope they go well.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


So far I can say that I've noticed subtle differences. I guess that's encouraging. I'm certainly not a zombie. I don't sit around in a daze while the world goes on around me. I don't walk around with a smile on my face all day either. I still get annoyed/upset but not at as many things as before.

For instance, J and I have started having a 'date night' where we drop T off with my mom (whether he's under some sort of punishment or not) and she and I do something together. This week we went to a place that has a lot of activities which is particularly attractive to kids/teenagers. There were plenty of them there. Normally, the amount of people and chaos of the place would have grated on my nerves and I would have gotten over-stimulated and annoyed.....but I didn't. I just sort of went about my business without paying them any mind. I was able to have fun without worrying if I looked stupid.

The best part was that I didn't even realize it at the time. It wasn't until we were driving home that J mentioned how much better I was. I wasn't hyped up like I was on a sugar high but I wasn't overly mellow like I was drunk either. I was just kind of.....normal, I guess. Well, other people's normal. *L*

I need a gold star cuz I was such a good girl! ;)

Thursday, July 13, 2006


After spilling my guts to the doctor I was given a prescription for Lexapro. The pharmacist suggested starting with 1/2 a pill a day to avoid the drowsy period. Both said that generally the medication starts working in 1 to 2 weeks. Lexapro is an SSRI and is most commonly prescribed for depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).

Wouldn't it be interesting if my personality totally changes into a kinder, gentler me? It would probably be pretty funny. I guess the only thing we can do is wait and see.

Let me know if my posts get any nicer, okay?

Monday, July 10, 2006

I Need This to Work

T stole food again last night. I went crazy. I'm talking seriously nutzo! I was so angry that the word angry doesn't even cover it. I was livid. I was shaking and not making any sense. It was a total Incredible Hulk moment. It scared me and then I ended up a heaping mess on the floor bawling my eyes out. The only positive I can take from the situation is that my crying fit made T cry. He was already crying from getting caught and getting yelled at but this cry was different. He was crying because he had made me cry.

I don't ever want this to happen again (the going nuts part) so that's it...I've made a doctor's appointment and I'm going to ask for medication. I don't believe it's a quick fix. After two years of dealing with this child and doing everything we can possibly think of, well, I need help to carry on.

It's this or I'm going to start drinking.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Well, That Sucked

On Monday, J and I spoke with T's therapist about our issues. No, not our issues with T, our issues with each other. It was hard and I cried (which I didn't want to do) and I got mad and defensive. Afterward, J went about the day as normal but I fumed. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

Yesterday I decided to say something. I told J how I felt that some of what she said wasn't fair. I told her that I wasn't sure how to go about not taking things personally. J thinks I don't trust her and honestly, sometimes I don't. She acts so childish sometimes that I don't trust that she will do the responsible thing. Is that my fault, her fault or are we both to blame?

I guess I should focus less on J's part in this and more on what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to take time for myself and not try to control how J handles things while I'm not around. I'm supposed to stop enabling J - I'm not her mother. And most importantly, I'm supposed to stop seeing J's actions as a reflection on myself. If she wants to act like a fool, that's on her and not a reflection on me.

I'd love to tell you what the therapist said about J and what she needs to do and all the times she totally agreed with me but I won't. It won't help anything.

Friday, June 23, 2006


One of my coworkers is leaving soon. He is moving to Holland to work for a sister company after working here for two years. Even though his last day is still 6 days away, we had a send-off lunch for him today. Now he has plenty of stuff to remember us by.

I'm going to miss my friend (even though he blames all of T's issues on the fact that he has red hair). I hope he likes his new job and new country. Our office won't be the same without him.

Goodbye P! Please keep in touch.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Another Day

Gosh, it's been a while! Let's see.....where were we?

I'm pleased to say that T's therapist has been pretty regular. Yeah, she's frequently late but at least she calls and eventually shows up. I don't know how much good she's doing but between her and our slightly better attitude with T he seems to be doing a bit better. And I mean a bit. He still lies and steals food but he appears to be trying (sometimes). So, he's still here. J is still here and most surprisingly, I'm still here.

I haven't made anything lately but I want to. I want to start on a Christmas project and I want to try my hand at some baby booties. In order to do either of those I need to make a trip to the fabric store and I'm kinda low on funds at the moment.

We've been painting and doing minor cosmetic things to our rental house in hopes to sell it. Hopefully sell it very quickly and make a healthy profit on it so that we can pay off a couple of credit cards.

I had planned on going to a scrapbook retreat in early September but it doesn't look like that's going to happen for a couple of reasons (money being one of them). It would have been really cool though.

I think I'll see what's on cable.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Picture Parade

I finally downloaded the pictures from the camera to the computer. It's not difficult or even that time consuming but it's something that I always put off so I'm glad I finally did it. So here we go...

Well?? What do you think? I got the pattern free from Sewing Stars (see bloglines). I made them for a friend who has three boys. I wanted them to all be the same color (less arguing) but each different enough that they would remember who each one belongs to. I like the polka dotted one the best. Oh, here's what they look like from behind.

I don't know why this picture is a little blurry. I had to take this picture in my bedroom because that was the sunniest room in the house at the moment.

So, these little guys are in the mail headed to C, M & K. I hope they like them!

In other project news...about two days before school ended I actually thought, "um, are we supposed to give the teacher a gift???" I had made her a gift at Christmas but I figured it was better to be safe than sorry so I went through my very, very small fabric stash and put together this tote.

I love the blue toile! I actually used this same material to make a purse for my mom (which I've never seen her use even though she requested it and promised she would use it). The inside is lined with a light blue material with little navy polka dots. I tried to get a good shot of it but it was night time and the camera flash just wasn't getting it. I pinned a crochet flower to the front. I can't crochet but I had my mom make several of these flowers for me in different colors. I think they look particularly cute on tote bags. Let's see if I can find a better shot of the flower...

Hhmm.....blogger keeps saying I've uploaded it but it's not appearing. Maybe I've reached my picture limit for one post. Okay, if anyone is dying for a close up, let me know and I'll post it later!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Gonna Do It

I can only really think of one thing I really need to finish - the others went in the trash a while ago. Back in September or so, I started embroidering (is that a word? spell check doesn't seem to think so) a short table runner. Well, I finished the embroidery but never hemmed it. Not very exciting, I know.

Weeeeeeell, there's this other embroidery piece I have. I didn't start it, my grandmother did but I've never finished it because....well, I don't know. I guess I was afraid I wouldn't do it justice but maybe it's time.

I've taken some pictures of recent projects but haven't uploaded them onto my computer yet. Guess that's something else I need to work on!

Friday, June 02, 2006

Holding Pattern

No major changes have occurred recently. That's about as plainly as I can put it.

As previously mentioned, our cw picked T up the night of the 26th and took him to another foster family. They gave him soda and took him to Chuck E. Cheese so he was happy. J and I slept in and ate lots of ice cream and did a fair amount of shopping so we were happy.

Okay, so we fought too - mostly the first day but then we settled down and decided to enjoy our time without T.

Our cw brought T back on the 29th. The first thing he did after he got home was to tell a lie. As I was unpacking his back and sorting his dirty clothes he said, "um, they don't eat until 10:00." It was 8:30 when he said this. I knew he was lying so I said, "well, that's too bad because you're about to take a bath and go to bed." J heard what he said and came in to say, "You know, we have their phone number. We can just call them." Then he realized he'd blown it and admitted that he was lying.

That was four days ago and this morning he tried it again. He told me that he didn't have breakfast yesterday. See, yesterday was the first day we've taken him to daycare in the morning. J and I didn't give him breakfast before he went because we know the daycare serves breakfast. T apparently doesn't know that we know that and saw it as yet another opportunity to get more food. So I said, "you had breakfast at daycare." He just said, "oh."

So I left for work and J took him to daycare. He ran right to the table and demanded a bowl. J reminded him that he needed to put his things away first so he ran to the room to put them away and ran back to the table. Literally ran.

I swear, this food obsession is going to be the death of me. Okay, so I know that it stems from being in foster care but it's so frustrating to always have to police every situation. I hate having to trust that the daycare workers are watching him. It's just a matter of time before he pinpoints the sucker tells them some sob story (like he did at school) and convinces them that we're starving him and get them to give him more food.

Who knows what really happened over the weekend. He was noticeably bigger (in the face and stomach) so they must have fed him a lot - well, that or he stole a lot of food.

Since the cw is so adamant about not moving him, I'm holding on to this....once his parental rights are terminated then it will be time to adopt him. If we refuse, they will have no other choice but to solicit families and choose an adoptive home for him.

So, if we continue therapy and our feelings about him don't change - that is, we don't feel we're the right home for him / cannot parent his particular issues any longer, there will come a time when a line is drawn in the sand.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


We have asked (for the first time since we've had T) for a break. T will go to stay with another foster family for a few days while J and I take some time for ourselves.

I have never been away from him for longer than 12 hours so it will be a little weird.

I don't know what he's going to do with this family - whether he will steal food or tell them that we starve him. Those are the two big ones. I certainly don't want to open myself up for an investigation because he lies but we really need this break and if that's what happens. then that's what happens. Our cw knows he lies. His therapist knows he lies. I think we'll be okay.

J and I haven't decided where we're going yet. Her birthday is the 28th so we should go wherever she wants but I really don't feel like flying to Cleveland just to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (again). However, there is that kick ass stationery store in the mall.....

In other news I am not feeling very well. My throat is killing me and my ears are hurting. My whole body aches and I'm so sleepy! I haven't developed a cough but it could be on it's way. I don't want to be sick while T is gone! I want to enjoy myself! I guess I'd better rummage through the medicine box for something to ward this yuckness away. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight too.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Um, yeah

I feel kind of dumb posting when I don't have much to say. Right now I'm sitting on my home computer with a dog face on my foot. My pug is snoring on their big plaid pillow and all four of them desperately need a bath. Exciting, huh?

The only news I have is that I emailed our cw today to tell her which days we need respite care for T. We have never been away from him overnight in the (almost) 2 years he's been with us. We are long overdue! I am worried what will happen to him while he's with another family. Will he steal food? Will he tell them outrageous lies about us (most likely)? Will he be a perfect angel and they'll think we're insane? Will he love it there an give us more trouble when he comes back home?

Part of me hopes they fall in love with him (or the fantasy version of himself he will present to them) and they beg us to take him. And if he loves it there too then I wouldn't feel so guilty about not wanting to adopt him. We would be making everybody happy!

I know, I know.....I need to snap out of my dream world, huh?

I just noticed the fish are staring me down because I forgot to feed them earlier. Whoa....creeeepy!

Guess I'd better get on that.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Tick Tock

Well I made it through last week and even survived sending M & C off to their new foster dads. I cried a little but enjoyed sleeping in Saturday morning.

T was different without M & C in the house. Part of that could be because he is congested and was on some over-the-counter stuff but he was quieter and didn't feel the need to show off as much (even when the new therapist came to the house).

Speaking of the new therapist.....she seems to agree with our cw that maybe we should get him evaluated by a psychiatrist and possibly put him on medication. We're not talking 'for life' but just to relieve some of his anxiety and impulse control so that we can get him to a place where we can start really working with his behavior. That may be in the works soon. We'll see.

I often think that I'm the one that needs the medication. I don't have panic attacks or anything but I have no patience and I yell a lot. A lot. I don't like it. I would hate to be yelled at if I were a kid but I end up yelling (or working up to yelling) most of the time.

We spent Mother's Day at my mom's house (J had to work). It was nice to get some time with my mom since I haven't seen much of her lately. The chocolate chip cookies she sent home with me were pretty nice too. T was pretty good most of the day but started to get wound up as evening approached so I finished what I had started (helping my mom on her computer) and went home.

Our cw is supposed to stop by tonight. She's not always reliable so I won't hold my breath.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Wading Through the Week

Do you ever feel like the week is a boggy creek you've got to wade through to reach the other side (weekend?) I'm smack dab in the middle of the creek and although I'm glad to have a couple of days behind me already, I wish I was on the other side.

I might as well be 15 again....wishing the days away.....always thinking "life will be better when...." When what? When this happens or that happens. I should know better by now but I can't help but think that life will be better when this week is over.

Monday, May 08, 2006

It's All About Me

Sounds conceited doesn't it? It's been a long time coming really. I don't even have the energy to explain but let's just say I've compromised and let things go for far too long. I deserve to be happy. I don't see anyone sacrificing their happiness for me so why should I do it for them?

I am remembering who I am, what I'm worth and what it's going to take to get back to that. Changes are coming. There's electricity in the air.

Queen B is taking back her thrown.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Latest Creations

I finally took a couple of pictures of my latest little outfit. I hope it fits my friends daughter better than the last one did!

I am really happy with how it turned out. In the photo it looks like one leg is wider than the other but it's really just the way it's hanging. I had to use a flash because I took the picture last night while it was hanging on C's door.

I also made one of Hillary's Wee Bunnies (see Bloglines button for link to Wee Wonderfuls).

I love the bunny material! I reminds me of Ikea for some reason - and I love Ikea! Being relatively new to sewing, it was the first time I'd used the zig-zag stitch on my machine. As you can tell, I need some practice because those ears look pretty raggedy!

A Confession

You may be surprised in what you are about to read. It is taking a lot for me to admit this and subject myself to what others will think of me.

J and I had a talk last night. Neither of us is happy and haven't been happy for some time. We are not the parents we wanted to be and it kills us that we are still having these problems with T. I know that there are so many factors that affect his behavior but I wonder on a daily basis whether we are the right home for him. We have lost all patience with him and end up yelling far more than we should. How we react to him scares us both. That is not have you react to a child you love.

J tells me that she does not love him - not like she should and I certainly can't love him for the both of us. There are days when she doesn't even like him and I have moments of the same. J even went so far as to say she wants to leave. She does not want to be his parent anymore - she is tapped out. She wants them all to leave. I made a commitment to J long before we made a commitment to T and if she really feels this way, I have to listen.

We want what is best for T and at this point we wonder if another home / different parents / parenting style is what he really needs....not two completely stressed out, controlling parents that have had almost 2 years of his lying and manipulation and have no patience left to show him.

We worry that a move at this point would honestly mess him up. I would never want that for him.

What is the lesser of two evils? Do we admit that we failed him, that we're too weak to deal with his issues and our issues anymore? Do we hold on and risk resentment continuing to grow? Do we hope that therapy and time will fix it all? And what if it doesn't?

I'm tired. I'm scared. I feel like a terrible person.

Monday, May 01, 2006

On and On It Goes

And the lying continues folks. I sent an email to T's teacher who is not aware of any one teasing him. So, unless it's happening during recess he's telling yet another lie. Shocking, I know.

This weekend we spent some time with J's family. They tend to think we're hard on T but after some alone time with him they seem to have a change of mind. I guess if you've only ever seen him with us, you'd think he's a perfect angel but that's because we are strict with him. When left with someone else, well....let's just say he pushes it quite a bit.

Other than T's antics, we're doing pretty well lately. Getting daycare set up didn't take as much effort as I thought it would. The daycare is lovely and close to the house. I hope it's good for M and he learns a lot while he's there.

Tomorrow M & C have another birthparent visit. They always come back filthy and full of sugar from Dr. Pepper and Oreos. *grrrrr* Last time they didn't change C's diaper the entire time. It's frustrating but there's not much I can do besides letting their caseworker know about it.

I have a small sewing project I started but got frustrated with and didn't finish. I need to finish it this week so I can send it and the red outfit off to my friend.

Oh, and this is hardly worth mentioning because nothing will probably come of it but our cw has submitted us on a baby girl that is legally free for adoption. She is not in our county (which means we don't have to get approval from a judge). So, we wait to see if we're picked for staffing. If so, then we wait to see if we're picked to be her parents. If so, we still have to get the supervisors signature.

We were picked in August of 2005 for a sibling group of 2 girls (from a different county) and got as far as the supervisor's signature before it disappeared and we never heard from them again. Let's just say I'm very jaded and won't believe anything until someone places a girl in my arms.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Pants on Fire

Did I mention that my oldest fson T lies? He lies a lot. About everything. Even when he knows he's going to get in trouble for it. If you told him that he wouldn't get a birthday party if he continued to lie......he wouldn't get a birthday party because he just lies all the time.

I know that we tend to set him up to lie so we try really hard not to do that. I give him chances to tell the truth. I praise him when he gives truthful answers but he still lies as the first option. I have had truth right in front of my hands and he still lied. He thinks he's going to get away with it every time. He never learns his lesson and it drives me crazy!

He has issues with food. I'm not going to get into it but let's just say he's not allowed snacks because of it. I have told him that I will always tell anyone that watches him for us that they are NOT allowed to give him snacks and yet he asks them every time.

Why am I bitching about this? Well, J's mother watched him on Monday and he asked for food. She told him that he had to wait until I got home. When I got home she said (in front of him) that he asked for food and I said to him (in front of her), "T knows he's not allowed to have anything between lunch and dinner." I even talked to him about it later that night.

And what did he do today???? He told her that he always gets a snack after school. WTF? Why does he do that?




I may later regret posting this. I'm just really angry that this keeps happening. We've tried all sorts of rewards/punishments and I'm not really looking for advice. I just needed to vent.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Emotionally Stuck

I talked to our cw today about the boys M & C. The situation has changed a little in regards to their birthparents and we could be looking at reunification. If that becomes the goal, they will not be moved until reunification happens.

I fully admit that this information makes me feel....well....kind of stuck. Sometimes I look at little C and I'm thankful to witness such a special time in his life. Sometimes when M and I are sitting together and he's being quiet and I can snuggle him without protest, it warms my heart.

But....when C is crying out of frustration because I put him on the floor to play with his toys instead of holding him every second of the day or M is throwing a fit because I won't give him milk or juice every single time he asks for it...well, I feel myself pulling away. I get frustrated easily and I just want them both to shut up.

Am I normal? I don't know. I've had these feelings with our oldest fs too. I remember that it took about four months before I felt real love for him. I have grown to love him very much but there are still times I want him to just shut up too.

Heck, there are times I want to tell a lot of people to shut up. There are plenty of times when I should just shut up.

Like now.

Monday, April 24, 2006

So Very Tired

I just can't seem to get myself motivated to do any actual work this morning. I have things that need to be done but I'm just sort of skating by. It's probably because I was a very good girl yesterday and did some deep cleaning on certain areas of the house. I won't lie and say I cleaned the whole house...just certain areas that had been neglected for a while. I gave all four dogs a bath and did some laundry too.

This weekend I also made another outfit for my friend's daughter. It's way cuter than the last one. I'm really very proud of it and can't wait to show it off. I haven't taken any pictures because I still need to sew the buttons on (actually, I still have to buy the buttons and sew them on) and make something for her son so he doesn't feel left out.

I'm so glad that Tertia asked people about their blogs. I will be making an effort to check out other's blogs and I see that I have had a couple of people drop by - thanks ladies! Hopefully, I'll remember to update my bloglines with any new blogs I start reading.

Anyone else lurking out there?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

No Love

I am not feelin' the love for CPS today.

Yesterday was a status hearing on our oldest foster son (the one we intend to adopt). We have had him a year and ten months and were told that the papers that needed to be filed in order to terminate his parental rights had been done in February. As it turns out, they were filed April 18th. We don't need to check our calendars to see that is TWO MONTHS after there were supposed to have been filed.

Now we're being told that the state's attorney has "a line on a possible birthfather" that she will be pursuing and birthmom's attorney will be paying her a little visit in jail. We told her attorney that we'd be willing to send a couple of photos a year and establish a P.O. box so that she can send him letters but, at this point, we would not consider visits.

I know I'm not going to get any negative comments on this because no one reads my little blog but let me just say, unless you've adopted through the foster care system and understand that there is a HUGE difference between an open domestic adoption (where a woman chooses the adoptive parents) and an open adoption through foster care, I really don't want to hear that we're horrible people for not wanting contact with this woman.

We have not been given the next court date - the date that termination should happen - and I'm pretty pissed about it. There is no way he will be adopted this year. He is 6 years old and has been in foster care since he was 18 months old. How is this in the best interest of the child?

Saturday, April 15, 2006


We just finished dying easter eggs. I was hoping J would be here for the event but the eggs weren't ready in time and she had to go to work early. Knowing this is C's first easter makes me a little sad. I made sure to take photos and hopefully I'll get some good ones tomorrow.

I've put together a little book of the time they spent with us that I will send with them to their new family. I think it's important that they know each home they were in and I'm thankful that T's previous foster homes made a nice scrapbook for him which I have continued.

We have a court date for T on the 19th. I'm hoping the judge is ready to terminate and sets a termination date for some time in May. His birthmom definitely won't be at court since she's currently in jail.

My girl dog, Mollie, has been acting a little weird lately. I think she's a little scared of M & C. Maybe she'll feel a little better if I give her a bath (she's been a little itchy). If not, at least she'll smell better!

I hope everyone (all two of you that read this) have a great easter holiday.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

A Hard Decision

Our case worker has not given us much time to decide if we're interested in keeping the boys. Our deadline is Monday. We have talked and talked and have made the hard decision to let them go. Part of me would be happy to continue to parent them but being that I desperately want a girl and how keeping the boys would add quite a bit of waiting time to fulfilling that dream, it's best that they move on to a family that desperately wants two little boys.

I feel so guilty and keep having second thoughts but what's done is done.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Not Much to Say

The sickly dog is at the vet for observation today. Dr. M is evaluating his levels to see if he's getting the right amount of insulin and when he 'peaks' during the day. He's probably just sleeping as he does at home but I hope he's not freaking out all day.

Yesterday we were told that the judge would not let us have the baby girl CPS had chosen us for. I'd like to know how on earth he gets away with blatant discrimination. I've been told that in my state, race is protected but sexual orientation is not. It's so damned depressing. I really want a daughter. If he could just think beyond his own personal prejudices. I think I need to move.

We still have M & C and they seem to be settling in a bit. M still has his temper tantrums but he's quickly learning what 'time out' is all about. We're supposed to let our case worker know if we would consider adopting them (we're supposed to know that after 2 weeks??) because she seems to think reunification with their parents won't happen. I'm taking this with a grain of salt because nothing ever happens quickly as far as foster care and adoption are concerned. We need more time with them before we can judge if they are a good fit for us and vice versa.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Lazy Days

I was such a bum this weekend! I really hated the idea of loading up three kids to go somewhere to spend money I don't have so I didn't go anywhere. Well, we did walk to the subdivision playground on Saturday but that was it. Both days were spent at home. There were moments of crying (from all three boys) and moments of insanity (by me) but I survived!

Wednesday night I bought a mini van. I can't believe I'm a mini van driver! I really loved my car but if we're going to continue to be foster parents I need to know I have the room. I did not have the room in my car. I knew the search was going to be tough because I've grown quite accustomed to my leather interior and sunroof. I knew I wanted automatic sliding doors and I didn't want the price tag of something brand new. I only had to compromise slightly to get something I'm happy with and oldest boy T is really jazzed about sitting in the back by himself.

Other than all that - the sickly dog has taken to barking/whining/being a general PITA at all hours of the night/early morning. He really needs to knock it off or he'll get a squirt of water in the face by one of the many spray bottles we keep around.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Suspicious Minds

Tell me something, is it really too much to ask that you call your significant other before meeting up with friends? Not call to ask permission (I would never suggest that) just to say, "hey, I'm on my way to meet so-and-so at the mall." Wouldn't that be informational? Courteous? Thoughtful?

Would it be too much to assume that the other person would think you were, oh I don't know....possibly trying to hide something when you don't tell them that kind of information? I mean, why else would you purposefully not tell someone you're meeting someone unless you don't want them to know? Especially if said person had previously gone into great detail (while maintaining the utmost composure) that she (or he) would appreciate knowing that bit of information??? Wouldn't you then realize that it would be the nice thing to do to keep the other person from thinking such thoughts?

Or would you tell that person that they're being paranoid and claim that you are the victim because they don't trust you?

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Thrown to the Sharks

I'm taking tomorrow and Friday off from work. I figured a full week with J and I would help the boys adjust to our home. (My mom picks our son up from school three days a week and watches him until I get home. So, she'll have them next week while we're at work.) J is off on Tuedays and Wednesdays. So, what I'm trying to say is that I will be thrown to the sharks tomorrow when I have the boys by myself. I hope it goes better than it did when they were dropped off Monday night.

M is a typical 2 year old in that he's into everything and doesn't understand the word "no." He thinks everything belongs to him to do whatever he wants to with it and gets very upset if you say no or take something away. If I were a different sort of person I might find it comical - instead I find it irritating.

M's brother C is 8 months old. He wants to be held. A lot. All day. He's heavy. 'Nuff said.

Wish me luck! I don't think I'll be working on any projects this weekend unless it's crafty and decorative ear plugs.

Monday, March 27, 2006


I got an email from our case worker (cw) on Friday telling me to call her asap about a possible foster placement. When I called she told me that they are 2 brothers - ages 8 months and 2 years - Hispanic and are currently placed with family. Apparently the family member they are with has a history with CPS (so how did they end up there to begin with??) so CPS is moving them. We agreed to take them even though they are out of the same county as our son. This county is an hour and a half drive which means birth parent visits will be a pain in the butt.

The CPS worker is supposed to be picking them up today and will bring them to our house tonight. I haven't told our son because most of the placements we're called on fall-through. I don't want to get his hopes up.

It will be very weird to go from one kid to 3 in a matter of minutes. My car will not hold that many car seats/boosters so I don't know what I'm going to do. I suppose I'll drive J's truck (4 door) until we figure out how long the placement will be. If it's going to be at least 6 months I think we're going to look into getting a mini van.

Boy, if my high school self could see me now, I'd probably laugh my butt off!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Sunflower Has Left the Building

This sunflower outfit is in the mail on it's way to my friend's daughter. I hope it fits and she enjoys it. I was very proud of myself for making it and attempting button holes for the first time.

The embroidery was intended to look simple - hence the running stitch - and to semi-match the sunflowers on the pants.

I hope seersucker pops back after washing because it got flattened out when I ironed the seams.

Oh, and Gizmo was still a little lethargic last night but I got him to eat and he didn't have any seizures so I think he's going to be okay. He has another vet appointment today (more $$).

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Oh for the Love of Dog!

Yesterday J took one of our 4 dogs to the vet. He has Addison's disease and has been acting weird. The vet said she thought he had diabetes and to change is medication dosage and come back in two weeks for testing. J couldn't wait....she freaked and took him back today (cha-ching) and yes, he does indeed have diabetes.

Gizmo, forgive what I'm about to say....

That damn dog is costing us a lot of money!!! First the Addison's and now freakin' diabetes!?!?!? For Pete's sake! Is that a southern saying? Isn't it bad enough that we have to wrap a stinkin' diaper around the dog because his number of 'accidents' has increased significantly?? Now we've got to give him insulin twice a day.

Gizner-butt, I love you but I'm a little strapped for cash at the moment. I could use some good news, okay?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

My Horns are Showing

We found out some interesting news yesterday. On the way home I was on the phone with my partner, J and she got another call. She sounded excited and put me on hold. I knew it must have been our foster care case worker (cw) since I was on hold for a couple of minutes. When she got back on the line she asked me how close I was to the house and told me that she had news for me when I got home. Of course, at this point I'm thinking it must be something that's going to piss me off so I just finished my conversation and hurried home.

Once home, she made sure our foster son, T was busy coloring in his room - a sign that I knew it was something she didn't want him to hear - and we went to our bedroom. After we closed the door she said that T's cw called (J & I have a cw w/ our agency and T has a cw w/ CPS) to say that the next visit with his birthmother had been cancelled and that all visits will be cancelled for a while because birthmom in jail!!!!

My mouth fell open and I was literally jumping up and down with joy! Why does this unfortunate news make me so very happy??? Well, we're coming close to having T's parental rights terminated which is the first step towards adopting him. We were told that (even though she hasn't done half of the things she was supposed to in order to get him back) she was probably going to ask for a jury trial and might appeal if the judge orders termination. An appeal would drag the case on for possibly two years! Apparently, being in jail alone is grounds for termination and I'm hoping that makes things more cut and dry and we can move on quickly with the adoption.

We went to our foster parent support class last night and watched American Idol and America's Next Top model (we recorded them on the DVR) when we got home. I am so ready for Jade to get the boot. Maybe last night's almost elimination will give her a scare and she'll stop with the attitude.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I thought I'd add a photo of of my latest projects.

This is a flannel set of pants and two bibs for my partner's new nephew. I bet he'll look really cute in this! I loved the jungle print and I was so pleased with myself because I did a much better job on the pants than I did on the last pair of pants I made. I'll post that picture later.

Virgin Post

I can't believe it. All this time I've been reading other people's blogs wishing I had one of my own. Granted, I don't think I'm nearly as creative or talented as those I read on a daily basis but I guess you can decide for yourself and choose to read or not. :)

So, I think I really wanted a blog so I could post pictures of what I've been creating lately. I got a sewing machine for my birthday (oh, 6 months ago) and at first I was really intimidated by it. Since then I've found a few things I can handle and I'm really starting to have fun. Other than that....well, I suppose the rest will reveal itself as I go along.