Friday, July 28, 2006

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

So the evaluation wasn't really as thorough or professional as I thought it would be. We talked to Dr. C and told him what T does while T was playing outside. Maybe I should have stressed the lying part. He seemed to want to make us feel bad about second-guessing our plans to adopt. He said T needs stability. Well, duh - tell me something I don't know! He said that T is very smart (uh-huh) and that he seems to be showing some symptoms of ADD, not ADHD. He said that bringing another child in the home may cause him to compete for attention and question his place in the home. It may cause his behaviors to worsen. Yes, that's called "regression" and is supposed to be temporary. What I need to know, dear doctor, is whether T needs to be an only child or the youngest child in the home. J and I want at least one more child - a girl. If what's best for T is that he is an only child then T needs to be with another family. I love him and, at the moment, I feel I could parent him for the rest of my life but I do not want to resent him which is what will happen if I can't have a girl because of him.

I really, really, really want to have a daughter. I have the pink room. I have the dolls and tea set. I even have clothes for a girl. I just need the girl!!

So, I guess we'll see what the collaborative answer is - the doctor, the therapist, the cw and us - before any decisions are made.

Thursday, July 27, 2006


Today is T's evaluation. I'm curious to see what Dr. C will have to say and whether he thinks T should be on medication. T has been so much better this week. The whole house is calmer when T is making better choices.

When we started thinking of becoming parents there were so many obstacles to overcome. First, how do we get a kid? It's not like we could ever have an oops baby so this was going to require some planning. Yes, we found a donor and tried IUIs. After 5 months I was pregnant. A couple of weeks later I wasn't pregnant anymore. Anyone who's miscarried a much wanted child will know how much that sucks.

We made the choice to switch donors. We tried again for six months. We were anxious to be parents and just didn't have the patience for this mess anymore. We couldn't afford IVF.

We looked into domestic and international adoption. I really wanted to adopt from Haiti but where was the money going to come from?

Then we learned about our agency and how you can adopt through foster care. It is relatively inexpensive which meant we wouldn't have to go into debt and we could afford to adopt again.

So, you see.....we didn't get into foster care to 'save the children'....we did it because we wanted to be parents. We didn't educate ourselves enough on attachment issues. We were naive and really thought we could handle almost anything.

Man, were we stupid.

We accepted the placement of a 4 year old boy that he lived in at least 3 foster homes before ours. We should have asked more questions. We should have gotten a better evaluation from the start. We should have been more aggressive with our attachment therapy. Or.....we should have passed on the placement.

But, the thing is, we didn't. Now we have to deal with where we are at the moment.

At the moment, we have a funny, smart and hurt boy that is trying the best he knows how to be what we want him to be. He wants us to be proud of him. I hope that means there's some attachment there. I hope that means for all the bad we've done that we've also done some good.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


I saw this pattern for Bitty Booties and I knew I had to make them. Granted, we don't have a baby (thanks to the judges in our county) but J's sister has a baby boy that they just might fit. So, here's my first shot at it. Cute huh? For some reason I had trouble with the blanket stitch. I know that blanket stitches aren't hard but I kept attempting to do it upside down or something. I don't know but it was very frustrating. Anyway, I made them from red felt that I had in my small stash. I used white embroidery floss to embellish with circles.

I loved this pair so much that I had to make another. Here is my second attempt. I took the photo this evening so I didn't have a lot of natural light to work with. This isn't really true to color - they aren't quite that bright blue.

I really like them! I'm going to be mailing them off to little V soon. I sure hope they fit!

In other news, I've finally made an appointment to get T a psychological evaluation. We've also got to stuff a cw visit and our family worker visit in this week too. Ugh. I hope they go well.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


So far I can say that I've noticed subtle differences. I guess that's encouraging. I'm certainly not a zombie. I don't sit around in a daze while the world goes on around me. I don't walk around with a smile on my face all day either. I still get annoyed/upset but not at as many things as before.

For instance, J and I have started having a 'date night' where we drop T off with my mom (whether he's under some sort of punishment or not) and she and I do something together. This week we went to a place that has a lot of activities which is particularly attractive to kids/teenagers. There were plenty of them there. Normally, the amount of people and chaos of the place would have grated on my nerves and I would have gotten over-stimulated and annoyed.....but I didn't. I just sort of went about my business without paying them any mind. I was able to have fun without worrying if I looked stupid.

The best part was that I didn't even realize it at the time. It wasn't until we were driving home that J mentioned how much better I was. I wasn't hyped up like I was on a sugar high but I wasn't overly mellow like I was drunk either. I was just kind of.....normal, I guess. Well, other people's normal. *L*

I need a gold star cuz I was such a good girl! ;)

Thursday, July 13, 2006


After spilling my guts to the doctor I was given a prescription for Lexapro. The pharmacist suggested starting with 1/2 a pill a day to avoid the drowsy period. Both said that generally the medication starts working in 1 to 2 weeks. Lexapro is an SSRI and is most commonly prescribed for depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).

Wouldn't it be interesting if my personality totally changes into a kinder, gentler me? It would probably be pretty funny. I guess the only thing we can do is wait and see.

Let me know if my posts get any nicer, okay?

Monday, July 10, 2006

I Need This to Work

T stole food again last night. I went crazy. I'm talking seriously nutzo! I was so angry that the word angry doesn't even cover it. I was livid. I was shaking and not making any sense. It was a total Incredible Hulk moment. It scared me and then I ended up a heaping mess on the floor bawling my eyes out. The only positive I can take from the situation is that my crying fit made T cry. He was already crying from getting caught and getting yelled at but this cry was different. He was crying because he had made me cry.

I don't ever want this to happen again (the going nuts part) so that's it...I've made a doctor's appointment and I'm going to ask for medication. I don't believe it's a quick fix. After two years of dealing with this child and doing everything we can possibly think of, well, I need help to carry on.

It's this or I'm going to start drinking.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Well, That Sucked

On Monday, J and I spoke with T's therapist about our issues. No, not our issues with T, our issues with each other. It was hard and I cried (which I didn't want to do) and I got mad and defensive. Afterward, J went about the day as normal but I fumed. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

Yesterday I decided to say something. I told J how I felt that some of what she said wasn't fair. I told her that I wasn't sure how to go about not taking things personally. J thinks I don't trust her and honestly, sometimes I don't. She acts so childish sometimes that I don't trust that she will do the responsible thing. Is that my fault, her fault or are we both to blame?

I guess I should focus less on J's part in this and more on what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to take time for myself and not try to control how J handles things while I'm not around. I'm supposed to stop enabling J - I'm not her mother. And most importantly, I'm supposed to stop seeing J's actions as a reflection on myself. If she wants to act like a fool, that's on her and not a reflection on me.

I'd love to tell you what the therapist said about J and what she needs to do and all the times she totally agreed with me but I won't. It won't help anything.