Respite

We have asked (for the first time since we've had T) for a break. T will go to stay with another foster family for a few days while J and I take some time for ourselves.

I have never been away from him for longer than 12 hours so it will be a little weird.

I don't know what he's going to do with this family - whether he will steal food or tell them that we starve him. Those are the two big ones. I certainly don't want to open myself up for an investigation because he lies but we really need this break and if that's what happens. then that's what happens. Our cw knows he lies. His therapist knows he lies. I think we'll be okay.

J and I haven't decided where we're going yet. Her birthday is the 28th so we should go wherever she wants but I really don't feel like flying to Cleveland just to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (again). However, there is that kick ass stationery store in the mall.....

In other news I am not feeling very well. My throat is killing me and my ears are hurting. My whole body aches and I'm so sleepy! I haven't developed a cough but it could be on it's way. I don't want to be sick while T is gone! I want to enjoy myself! I guess I'd better rummage through the medicine box for something to ward this yuckness away. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight too.

Um, yeah

I feel kind of dumb posting when I don't have much to say. Right now I'm sitting on my home computer with a dog face on my foot. My pug is snoring on their big plaid pillow and all four of them desperately need a bath. Exciting, huh?

The only news I have is that I emailed our cw today to tell her which days we need respite care for T. We have never been away from him overnight in the (almost) 2 years he's been with us. We are long overdue! I am worried what will happen to him while he's with another family. Will he steal food? Will he tell them outrageous lies about us (most likely)? Will he be a perfect angel and they'll think we're insane? Will he love it there an give us more trouble when he comes back home?

Part of me hopes they fall in love with him (or the fantasy version of himself he will present to them) and they beg us to take him. And if he loves it there too then I wouldn't feel so guilty about not wanting to adopt him. We would be making everybody happy!

I know, I know.....I need to snap out of my dream world, huh?

I just noticed the fish are staring me down because I forgot to feed them earlier. Whoa....creeeepy!

Guess I'd better get on that.

Tick Tock

Well I made it through last week and even survived sending M & C off to their new foster dads. I cried a little but enjoyed sleeping in Saturday morning.

T was different without M & C in the house. Part of that could be because he is congested and was on some over-the-counter stuff but he was quieter and didn't feel the need to show off as much (even when the new therapist came to the house).

Speaking of the new therapist.....she seems to agree with our cw that maybe we should get him evaluated by a psychiatrist and possibly put him on medication. We're not talking 'for life' but just to relieve some of his anxiety and impulse control so that we can get him to a place where we can start really working with his behavior. That may be in the works soon. We'll see.

I often think that I'm the one that needs the medication. I don't have panic attacks or anything but I have no patience and I yell a lot. A lot. I don't like it. I would hate to be yelled at if I were a kid but I end up yelling (or working up to yelling) most of the time.

We spent Mother's Day at my mom's house (J had to work). It was nice to get some time with my mom since I haven't seen much of her lately. The chocolate chip cookies she sent home with me were pretty nice too. T was pretty good most of the day but started to get wound up as evening approached so I finished what I had started (helping my mom on her computer) and went home.

Our cw is supposed to stop by tonight. She's not always reliable so I won't hold my breath.

Wading Through the Week

Do you ever feel like that....like the week is a boggy creek you've got to wade through to reach the other side (weekend?) I'm smack dab in the middle of the creek and although I'm glad to have a couple of days behind me already, I wish I was on the other side.

I might as well be 15 again....wishing the days away.....always thinking "life will be better when...." When what? When this happens or that happens. I should know better by now but I can't help but think that life will be better when this week is over.

It's All About Me

Sounds conceited doesn't it? It's been a long time coming really. I don't even have the energy to explain but let's just say I've compromised and let things go for far too long. I deserve to be happy. I don't see anyone sacrificing their happiness for me so why should I do it for them?

I am remembering who I am, what I'm worth and what it's going to take to get back to that. Changes are coming. There's electricity in the air.

Queen B is taking back her thrown.

Latest Creations

I finally took a couple of pictures of my latest little outfit. I hope it fits my friends daughter better than the last one did!

I am really happy with how it turned out. In the photo it looks like one leg is wider than the other but it's really just the way it's hanging. I had to use a flash because I took the picture last night while it was hanging on C's door.

I also made one of Hillary's Wee Bunnies (see Bloglines button for link to Wee Wonderfuls).

I love the bunny material! I reminds me of Ikea for some reason - and I love Ikea! Being relatively new to sewing, it was the first time I'd used the zig-zag stitch on my machine. As you can tell, I need some practice because those ears look pretty raggedy!

A Confession

You may be surprised in what you are about to read. It is taking a lot for me to admit this and subject myself to what others will think of me.

J and I had a talk last night. Neither of us is happy and haven't been happy for some time. We are not the parents we wanted to be and it kills us that we are still having these problems with T. I know that there are so many factors that affect his behavior but I wonder on a daily basis whether we are the right home for him. We have lost all patience with him and end up yelling far more than we should. How we react to him scares us both. That is not have you react to a child you love.

J tells me that she does not love him - not like she should and I certainly can't love him for the both of us. There are days when she doesn't even like him and I have moments of the same. J even went so far as to say she wants to leave. She does not want to be his parent anymore - she is tapped out. She wants them all to leave. I made a commitment to J long before we made a commitment to T and if she really feels this way, I have to listen.

We want what is best for T and at this point we wonder if another home / different parents / parenting style is what he really needs....not two completely stressed out, controlling parents that have had almost 2 years of his lying and manipulation and have no patience left to show him.

We worry that a move at this point would honestly mess him up. I would never want that for him.

What is the lesser of two evils? Do we admit that we failed him, that we're too weak to deal with his issues and our issues anymore? Do we hold on and risk resentment continuing to grow? Do we hope that therapy and time will fix it all? And what if it doesn't?

I'm tired. I'm scared. I feel like a terrible person.

On and On It Goes

And the lying continues folks. I sent an email to T's teacher who is not aware of any one teasing him. So, unless it's happening during recess he's telling yet another lie. Shocking, I know.

This weekend we spent some time with J's family. They tend to think we're hard on T but after some alone time with him they seem to have a change of mind. I guess if you've only ever seen him with us, you'd think he's a perfect angel but that's because we are strict with him. When left with someone else, well....let's just say he pushes it quite a bit.

Other than T's antics, we're doing pretty well lately. Getting daycare set up didn't take as much effort as I thought it would. The daycare is lovely and close to the house. I hope it's good for M and he learns a lot while he's there.

Tomorrow M & C have another birthparent visit. They always come back filthy and full of sugar from Dr. Pepper and Oreos. *grrrrr* Last time they didn't change C's diaper the entire time. It's frustrating but there's not much I can do besides letting their caseworker know about it.

I have a small sewing project I started but got frustrated with and didn't finish. I need to finish it this week so I can send it and the red outfit off to my friend.

Oh, and this is hardly worth mentioning because nothing will probably come of it but our cw has submitted us on a baby girl that is legally free for adoption. She is not in our county (which means we don't have to get approval from a judge). So, we wait to see if we're picked for staffing. If so, then we wait to see if we're picked to be her parents. If so, we still have to get the supervisors signature.

We were picked in August of 2005 for a sibling group of 2 girls (from a different county) and got as far as the supervisor's signature before it disappeared and we never heard from them again. Let's just say I'm very jaded and won't believe anything until someone places a girl in my arms.