Thursday, December 28, 2006


I'm ready for 2006 to be over. I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life so far. There were times when I desperately wanted to run away from everything and everyone but I managed to pull through. I am still a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend but I am no longer a mother. That portion of my life feels temporary though. Dare I sound hopeful that I will be a mother again? I don't know....I just feel like it will happen again, some day.

So, what is my resolution? Well, I resolve to make 2007 my own year. So much of my 2006 was dependant on other's. It's odd how easy it became to take a back seat to my own life. Right now I feel like a defiant three year old - shouting to the world, "You can't tell me what to do!" I don't want to be angry, just more in control of what goes on in my world. It's up to me, so I will only have myself to blame.

What is your resolution?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Goodbye to my Son

It's taken me a week to post this here but here goes...

After 2 years and 4 months, we have made the choice not to adopt our foster son. He was our first placement and this was the hardest decision of our lives.

He was 4 years old when he was placed with us. His previous foster-to-adopt home had said that he didn't bond to them. We thought they just said that to make it easier to move him. We thought that there must have been something about his behavior they didn't like.

He was our first placement....we had no experience with attachment issues, food issues or the highly charming manipulation. We were so naive.

We did attachment therapy (but I can see now we weren't dedicated enough). We policed his every move. We predicted his lies and behavior to his teachers but it fell on deaf ears.

Eventually we got him regular therapy. The teachers came around...we were all working together but it was still falling apart.

I hope, with all my heart, that the family he's with right now are dedicated to making it work with him. I hope they don't have to deal with the lying and manipulation. I hope they can do what we couldn't and that he feels loved and protected enough.

Goodbye T. I hope one day you'll understand that our decision was made with love and lots of hope for your future as well as our own. And I hope (as we've told each other many times) that no matter where you are, you'll always be my boy.

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Empress

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

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