Another Poncho

I'm working on my third poncho. This one is a faux mohair varigated yarn in pinks and peaches - very girly. I got the pattern free off the internet and it's simply double crochet with a gigantic hook (Q). Here's a photo of the work in progress.

Anyway, I've altered the pattern only slightly - 1) it said to start by chaining 58 but that didn't seem long enough to me so I kept chaining until it measured approx 50 inches 2) the pattern is only 10 rows which didn't seem enough for me so I'm adding a few more.

The photos were with my cell phone again.

Crochet Catch Up

For some reason, the autumn season seems to bring on crafty projects for me. In 2005, I had just gotten my sewing machine for my birthday and I was busy sewing October through December. This past November, I learned how to crochet. My first project was (of course) a potholder...

After that I was feeling pretty confident and since we had the girls, D & P, I made a baby afghan. The weird thing is that I apparently made up the stitch. I thought I was doing a double crochet but after showing my mom and my sister and then consulting several books, it was determined that I created my own stitch.

By the time I finished it, we no longer had the girls. So, I moved on to smaller projects - at first, ponchos...

And then I moved on to hats. Unfortunately, I haven't taken photos of every hat but here are two...

I think my next project will be another poncho - a style similar to the green one.

Sorry for the crappy photos - they were all taken with my camera phone.

A Year in the Life of a Waiting Family

As I was looking through my 2006 appointment book, I came across a very special notes page. I have kept a detailed log of all the children we submitted our home study on and how things turned out. I thought it would be interesting to put it out there...into space. I thought someone might like to see a glimpse of what it's like to be a waiting family. We already had T at this point...we were just waiting to see who would join the family. Here goes...

Oh wait...just a couple of points of interest... I jot down whatever is told to me by our case worker. Sometimes I have age/race/hair color/eye color/name. Sometimes I have nothing at all.

Jan 3 - submitted on A/A girl - D
submitted on A/A girl - K

Jan 24 - Four-way at 1:00 on D
Four-way at 2:30 on K
Up for four-way on 2/9 for baby boy K
*We were picked for K (girl)!! Court date for placement approval on 2/6

Feb 6 - Judge said that we could not have K (girl)

Feb 9 - Four-way on K (boy) rescheduled

Feb 14 - Four-way on K (boy) will be March 10th
submitted on: bi-racial boy - just turned 2
girl C - 3 months old
girl H - 9 months old, blonde/blue
girl T - anglo, heart murmur
bi-racial boy - 18 months old
girl K - A/A, 2 months old
multi-racial girl - 6 months old
A/A boy - 4 months old
girl E - A/A, newborn, tons of hair

Mar 3 - Four-way on girl K (born 12/5/05) scheduled for 3/20
Four-way on boy S scheduled for 3/14
Four-way on boy K was cancelled and we are waiting for reschedule
submitted on: girl L - born 8/05
boy F - born 2/06, bi-racial

Mar 14 - Not picked for boy S

Mar 20 - Four-way on girl E scheduled for Apr 6th
Not picked for girl K

Mar 27 - placement of brothers M & C (foster placement)

Apr 6 - Four-way on girl E
*We were picked!! Court date for placement approval on 4/10

Apr 10 - Judge said no

May 1 - Submitted on A/A girl - legally free for adoption - born Jan 06

May 5 - told our case worker that felt T needed a different home

May 12 - M & C move to foster-to-adopt home

Aug 31 - Inquired about sibling group

Sep 17 - discussed another sibling group with cw, decided not to pursue

Oct 12 - cw called about sisters D & P (3 & 2 y.o.)

Oct 13 - D & P placed in our home (foster placement)

Nov 29 - told our cw again that we felt T needed a different home and that we did not want to adopt him

Nov 30 - T moved to new home - D & P moved to new home

Frustrating, huh? So many hopes dashed. We have not had any children in our home (by choice) since November.

I can only hope that 2007 brings realizations to dreams that were put out of mind and if I can't have that - I at least hope for peace within my heart.

Resolutions

I'm ready for 2006 to be over. I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life so far. There were times when I desperately wanted to run away from everything and everyone but I managed to pull through. I am still a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend but I am no longer a mother. That portion of my life feels temporary though. Dare I sound hopeful that I will be a mother again? I don't know....I just feel like it will happen again, some day.

So, what is my resolution? Well, I resolve to make 2007 my own year. So much of my 2006 was dependant on other's. It's odd how easy it became to take a back seat to my own life. Right now I feel like a defiant three year old - shouting to the world, "You can't tell me what to do!" I don't want to be angry, just more in control of what goes on in my world. It's up to me, so I will only have myself to blame.

What is your resolution?

Goodbye to my Son

It's taken me a week to post this here but here goes...

After 2 years and 4 months, we have made the choice not to adopt our foster son. He was our first placement and this was the hardest decision of our lives.

He was 4 years old when he was placed with us. His previous foster-to-adopt home had said that he didn't bond to them. We thought they just said that to make it easier to move him. We thought that there must have been something about his behavior they didn't like.

He was our first placement....we had no experience with attachment issues, food issues or the highly charming manipulation. We were so naive.

We did attachment therapy (but I can see now we weren't dedicated enough). We policed his every move. We predicted his lies and behavior to his teachers but it fell on deaf ears.

Eventually we got him regular therapy. The teachers came around...we were all working together but it was still falling apart.

I hope, with all my heart, that the family he's with right now are dedicated to making it work with him. I hope they don't have to deal with the lying and manipulation. I hope they can do what we couldn't and that he feels loved and protected enough.

Goodbye T. I hope one day you'll understand that our decision was made with love and lots of hope for your future as well as our own. And I hope (as we've told each other many times) that no matter where you are, you'll always be my boy.

The Empress

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Um, stuff

I've gotten quite slack in posting, huh? Well, let's see....since the last time I wrote we have gotten a new foster placement. D & P are sisters and they are younger than T. We're wondering if D is autistic so we're trying to get her evaluated. I don't know how long we'll have the girls but they have a court date in January so at least until then.

T's behavior hasn't gotten any better and at the moment I'm actively ignoring everything. I've made it clear to him that since he chooses not to listen to me or follow the rules then there I have nothing to say to him. Since most of what he says to me is a lie, I've also told him that I would prefer he not speak to me either.

Let me state here that there's no point in leaving comments saying I'm being mean. You haven't tried everything to get through to this child for over 2 years. I have and then is the point I've come to.

I guess it would make more sense to explain that T's lying has caused us quite the heartbreak. He's managed to convince someone at his school that he's being mistreated and they've called the CPS hotline on us numerous times. We've been investigated and have found to be innocent but it hurts to go through that and to know that your 6 year old soon-to-be-adoptive son would be so manipulative and cause that much pain. It makes us question whether we should go through with the adoption.

Other than that, it's been a mad scramble to get the girls evaluations and doctor's visits scheduled. My back is killing me and I just want a vacation.

I'm doing a craft show at an elementary school this weekend (with a friend) to hopefully sell the stuff I made over the summer. Wish me luck because I could use the money right about now.

It's Been A While

I guess I just didn't have anything different to say. I had a good birthday with unexpected gifts that I was ecstatic about (a Cricut machine!) but other than that life was just as it had been. We were (and still are) pretty broke. The other house is dragging us down. We really needed someone to buy it but we have found someone to rent it. I think they will be renting for a year but we've told them that we will be putting it back on the market in 6 months. I really hope it sells so we don't have to keep going through this.

Two weeks ago T had his goodbye visit with his birthmother. It went really well. She was very appropriate with him and spoke to us with concern and respect. We have agreed to send her a photo once a year and to set up a PO box so that she can send T cards and letters when she wishes. I informed her that we will be reading everything she sends. It's not that we're being nosy but we want to ensure that she doesn't write anything that will hurt, scare or confuse T.

I was worried that T's behavior after the visit would be horrible. Since he has so much trouble expressing his emotions, they tend to leak out as behavior problems but we haven't had any trouble at all. I wouldn't say he's been perfect but no worse than usual. I think knowing that he can write letters to her has really helped alleviate some of his anxiety. He also seems more settled and happy that he's had some closure to the situation.

Next month is the court date for termination of parental rights. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the attorney appointed to the non-existent birthfather doesn't turn up with anything. CPS has already done a search so I'm not sure how far his search will go.

I'm hesitant to say things are looking up but they haven't gotten any worse.

Another Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 31. This time last year I was in major denial but I have to say that 30 wasn't the catastrophe that I thought it would be. At least there's no Hurricane Rita on the way. That really put a damper on party plans last year.

I hope that 31 brings better things than 30 did.

The Quiet

I work in an office but changed from 8 - 5 to 7 - 4 when we moved to this building. When I get to work, there is usually only one other person here. After the usual pleasantries have been exchanged, each of sit quietly at our computers slowly starting our day. I generally open my work emails first and try to respond to most of them before anyone else gets here.

I like starting my day this way. I like that only one person knows if I'm late. I like that I only have to mumble one "good morning" before ducking into my cubicle. I'm not a morning person....I need the quiet and the chance to fully wake up before delving into things.

We currently share office space with another company that was owned by the parent company. They have been sold off and now we have to move out. I don't mind the move too much except that I've been told that everyone will have to return to working 8 - 5.

There goes the quiet.

My Famous Dog

Have you ever heard of Cute Overload? Head on over there to check out my pug, Mollie. She's under the title Macro Mania.

I hope you think she's as cute as I do!

Beginnings

Today is the beginning of the new school year. T is wearing his new Superman shirt and was so excited he kept biting on his lip. I cannot believe that two years ago I was still grappling with my newfound motherhood. I was trying to find out how to get this little kid-stranger into 1/2 day Pre-K and struggling with getting a copy of his immunization record. Today I have a 1st grader! I hope he keeps up the good work, otherwise, his teacher has no idea what she's in for!

Since T will be adopted before the end of the year, we thought it would be nice if he started the year with what will become his new last name. We just thought it would be confusing to change in the middle of the school year. Luckily, his teacher and the assistant principal are both fine with calling him by his new last name even though, legally, he still maintains his birthname.

In other beginnings, I am going to be renting a space in a store in which to sell the things I have been making/sewing recently. It's an area of town that is packed with little crafty stores so I'm hoping my stuff does well.

I'm so ready for fall! I love when the seasons change - they bring so much possibility!

Progress

T's cw has been saying she needs to come to our home to see T. She usually saw him during birthparent visits but since his bmom is in jail, she hasn't seen him in months. It was also important for her to come by because we needed to sign a piece of paper called Memorandum of Understanding. Basically, it states what bmom wants us to do if she voluntarily relinquishes her rights. Unfortunately (or fortunately - depending on your viewpoint) it is inadmissible in court as it would be seen as coercion. After the adoption, if we do not do what she's asked, there's nothing she can do about it. She cannot take us to court over it.

We certainly plan on following through with her requests as we feel they may be beneficial for T. As he is 6 years old and has had a relationship with her all this time, it will be a hard adjustment for him to know that he is not going to see her anymore. That is why we do not have a problem with a "goodbye visit." It will give him closure.

He has already had so much taken away from him - being moved from foster home to foster home. He will see this has having yet another thing taken away which is why we are going to provide a P.O. box for her to correspond with him if she wishes.

We will be reading anything that she sends and will not allow him to see anything that we feel will hurt him in any way. We will also be reading anything that he wants to send to her and will censor any "identifying" information - name of his school or sports team, address or phone number, etc.

If there comes a time when he does not want to correspond with her, we will not force him to. If he does not want to see anything she sends, we will put it away so that he can have it at a later date if he wishes.

Other than that......he should be adopted by the end of the year!!! I can't believe it! I can't believe I'm so happy about it when a few months ago I didn't even know if it was something I wanted anymore.

We've had quite a turbulent two years. I think we deserve a little happiness.

I Never Thought I'd Say This

T has not gotten in trouble for 16 days. Seriously! I know, right? It's too good to be true. It's like a lightbulb has been switched on and he seems to be "getting it." I was a little worried yesterday when he told a tiny lie for absolutely no reason unless he thought he was going to get in trouble (which he wasn't) or it was just out of habit. In either case, he was given a warning and the night went on as usual. So, 16 days!!

The therapist believes there will be some regression when school starts but she's really proud of him. If he keeps up the good work, she thinks we'll be ready for another child in 2 - 3 months.

I just wish we could be guaranteed a little girl at that time.

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

So the evaluation wasn't really as thorough or professional as I thought it would be. We talked to Dr. C and told him what T does while T was playing outside. Maybe I should have stressed the lying part. He seemed to want to make us feel bad about second-guessing our plans to adopt. He said T needs stability. Well, duh - tell me something I don't know! He said that T is very smart (uh-huh) and that he seems to be showing some symptoms of ADD, not ADHD. He said that bringing another child in the home may cause him to compete for attention and question his place in the home. It may cause his behaviors to worsen. Yes, that's called "regression" and is supposed to be temporary. What I need to know, dear doctor, is whether T needs to be an only child or the youngest child in the home. J and I want at least one more child - a girl. If what's best for T is that he is an only child then T needs to be with another family. I love him and, at the moment, I feel I could parent him for the rest of my life but I do not want to resent him which is what will happen if I can't have a girl because of him.

I really, really, really want to have a daughter. I have the pink room. I have the dolls and tea set. I even have clothes for a girl. I just need the girl!!

So, I guess we'll see what the collaborative answer is - the doctor, the therapist, the cw and us - before any decisions are made.

Evaluation

Today is T's evaluation. I'm curious to see what Dr. C will have to say and whether he thinks T should be on medication. T has been so much better this week. The whole house is calmer when T is making better choices.

When we started thinking of becoming parents there were so many obstacles to overcome. First, how do we get a kid? It's not like we could ever have an oops baby so this was going to require some planning. Yes, we found a donor and tried IUIs. After 5 months I was pregnant. A couple of weeks later I wasn't pregnant anymore. Anyone who's miscarried a much wanted child will know how much that sucks.

We made the choice to switch donors. We tried again for six months. We were anxious to be parents and just didn't have the patience for this mess anymore. We couldn't afford IVF.

We looked into domestic and international adoption. I really wanted to adopt from Haiti but where was the money going to come from?

Then we learned about our agency and how you can adopt through foster care. It is relatively inexpensive which meant we wouldn't have to go into debt and we could afford to adopt again.

So, you see.....we didn't get into foster care to 'save the children'....we did it because we wanted to be parents. We didn't educate ourselves enough on attachment issues. We were naive and really thought we could handle almost anything.

Man, were we stupid.

We accepted the placement of a 4 year old boy that he lived in at least 3 foster homes before ours. We should have asked more questions. We should have gotten a better evaluation from the start. We should have been more aggressive with our attachment therapy. Or.....we should have passed on the placement.

But, the thing is, we didn't. Now we have to deal with where we are at the moment.

At the moment, we have a funny, smart and hurt boy that is trying the best he knows how to be what we want him to be. He wants us to be proud of him. I hope that means there's some attachment there. I hope that means for all the bad we've done that we've also done some good.

Booties!

I saw this pattern for Bitty Booties and I knew I had to make them. Granted, we don't have a baby (thanks to the judges in our county) but J's sister has a baby boy that they just might fit. So, here's my first shot at it. Cute huh? For some reason I had trouble with the blanket stitch. I know that blanket stitches aren't hard but I kept attempting to do it upside down or something. I don't know but it was very frustrating. Anyway, I made them from red felt that I had in my small stash. I used white embroidery floss to embellish with circles.

I loved this pair so much that I had to make another. Here is my second attempt. I took the photo this evening so I didn't have a lot of natural light to work with. This isn't really true to color - they aren't quite that bright blue.

I really like them! I'm going to be mailing them off to little V soon. I sure hope they fit!

In other news, I've finally made an appointment to get T a psychological evaluation. We've also got to stuff a cw visit and our family worker visit in this week too. Ugh. I hope they go well.

Subtle

So far I can say that I've noticed subtle differences. I guess that's encouraging. I'm certainly not a zombie. I don't sit around in a daze while the world goes on around me. I don't walk around with a smile on my face all day either. I still get annoyed/upset but not at as many things as before.

For instance, J and I have started having a 'date night' where we drop T off with my mom (whether he's under some sort of punishment or not) and she and I do something together. This week we went to a place that has a lot of activities which is particularly attractive to kids/teenagers. There were plenty of them there. Normally, the amount of people and chaos of the place would have grated on my nerves and I would have gotten over-stimulated and annoyed.....but I didn't. I just sort of went about my business without paying them any mind. I was able to have fun without worrying if I looked stupid.

The best part was that I didn't even realize it at the time. It wasn't until we were driving home that J mentioned how much better I was. I wasn't hyped up like I was on a sugar high but I wasn't overly mellow like I was drunk either. I was just kind of.....normal, I guess. Well, other people's normal. *L*

I need a gold star cuz I was such a good girl! ;)

Lexapro

After spilling my guts to the doctor I was given a prescription for Lexapro. The pharmacist suggested starting with 1/2 a pill a day to avoid the drowsy period. Both said that generally the medication starts working in 1 to 2 weeks. Lexapro is an SSRI and is most commonly prescribed for depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).

Wouldn't it be interesting if my personality totally changes into a kinder, gentler me? It would probably be pretty funny. I guess the only thing we can do is wait and see.

Let me know if my posts get any nicer, okay?

I Need This to Work

T stole food again last night. I went crazy. I'm talking seriously nutzo! I was so angry that the word angry doesn't even cover it. I was livid. I was shaking and not making any sense. It was a total Incredible Hulk moment. It scared me and then I ended up a heaping mess on the floor bawling my eyes out. The only positive I can take from the situation is that my crying fit made T cry. He was already crying from getting caught and getting yelled at but this cry was different. He was crying because he had made me cry.

I don't ever want this to happen again (the going nuts part) so that's it...I've made a doctor's appointment and I'm going to ask for medication. I don't believe it's a quick fix. After two years of dealing with this child and doing everything we can possibly think of, well, I need help to carry on.

It's this or I'm going to start drinking.