Another Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 31. This time last year I was in major denial but I have to say that 30 wasn't the catastrophe that I thought it would be. At least there's no Hurricane Rita on the way. That really put a damper on party plans last year.

I hope that 31 brings better things than 30 did.

The Quiet

I work in an office but changed from 8 - 5 to 7 - 4 when we moved to this building. When I get to work, there is usually only one other person here. After the usual pleasantries have been exchanged, each of sit quietly at our computers slowly starting our day. I generally open my work emails first and try to respond to most of them before anyone else gets here.

I like starting my day this way. I like that only one person knows if I'm late. I like that I only have to mumble one "good morning" before ducking into my cubicle. I'm not a morning person....I need the quiet and the chance to fully wake up before delving into things.

We currently share office space with another company that was owned by the parent company. They have been sold off and now we have to move out. I don't mind the move too much except that I've been told that everyone will have to return to working 8 - 5.

There goes the quiet.

My Famous Dog

Have you ever heard of Cute Overload? Head on over there to check out my pug, Mollie. She's under the title Macro Mania.

I hope you think she's as cute as I do!

Beginnings

Today is the beginning of the new school year. T is wearing his new Superman shirt and was so excited he kept biting on his lip. I cannot believe that two years ago I was still grappling with my newfound motherhood. I was trying to find out how to get this little kid-stranger into 1/2 day Pre-K and struggling with getting a copy of his immunization record. Today I have a 1st grader! I hope he keeps up the good work, otherwise, his teacher has no idea what she's in for!

Since T will be adopted before the end of the year, we thought it would be nice if he started the year with what will become his new last name. We just thought it would be confusing to change in the middle of the school year. Luckily, his teacher and the assistant principal are both fine with calling him by his new last name even though, legally, he still maintains his birthname.

In other beginnings, I am going to be renting a space in a store in which to sell the things I have been making/sewing recently. It's an area of town that is packed with little crafty stores so I'm hoping my stuff does well.

I'm so ready for fall! I love when the seasons change - they bring so much possibility!

Progress

T's cw has been saying she needs to come to our home to see T. She usually saw him during birthparent visits but since his bmom is in jail, she hasn't seen him in months. It was also important for her to come by because we needed to sign a piece of paper called Memorandum of Understanding. Basically, it states what bmom wants us to do if she voluntarily relinquishes her rights. Unfortunately (or fortunately - depending on your viewpoint) it is inadmissible in court as it would be seen as coercion. After the adoption, if we do not do what she's asked, there's nothing she can do about it. She cannot take us to court over it.

We certainly plan on following through with her requests as we feel they may be beneficial for T. As he is 6 years old and has had a relationship with her all this time, it will be a hard adjustment for him to know that he is not going to see her anymore. That is why we do not have a problem with a "goodbye visit." It will give him closure.

He has already had so much taken away from him - being moved from foster home to foster home. He will see this has having yet another thing taken away which is why we are going to provide a P.O. box for her to correspond with him if she wishes.

We will be reading anything that she sends and will not allow him to see anything that we feel will hurt him in any way. We will also be reading anything that he wants to send to her and will censor any "identifying" information - name of his school or sports team, address or phone number, etc.

If there comes a time when he does not want to correspond with her, we will not force him to. If he does not want to see anything she sends, we will put it away so that he can have it at a later date if he wishes.

Other than that......he should be adopted by the end of the year!!! I can't believe it! I can't believe I'm so happy about it when a few months ago I didn't even know if it was something I wanted anymore.

We've had quite a turbulent two years. I think we deserve a little happiness.

I Never Thought I'd Say This

T has not gotten in trouble for 16 days. Seriously! I know, right? It's too good to be true. It's like a lightbulb has been switched on and he seems to be "getting it." I was a little worried yesterday when he told a tiny lie for absolutely no reason unless he thought he was going to get in trouble (which he wasn't) or it was just out of habit. In either case, he was given a warning and the night went on as usual. So, 16 days!!

The therapist believes there will be some regression when school starts but she's really proud of him. If he keeps up the good work, she thinks we'll be ready for another child in 2 - 3 months.

I just wish we could be guaranteed a little girl at that time.

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

So the evaluation wasn't really as thorough or professional as I thought it would be. We talked to Dr. C and told him what T does while T was playing outside. Maybe I should have stressed the lying part. He seemed to want to make us feel bad about second-guessing our plans to adopt. He said T needs stability. Well, duh - tell me something I don't know! He said that T is very smart (uh-huh) and that he seems to be showing some symptoms of ADD, not ADHD. He said that bringing another child in the home may cause him to compete for attention and question his place in the home. It may cause his behaviors to worsen. Yes, that's called "regression" and is supposed to be temporary. What I need to know, dear doctor, is whether T needs to be an only child or the youngest child in the home. J and I want at least one more child - a girl. If what's best for T is that he is an only child then T needs to be with another family. I love him and, at the moment, I feel I could parent him for the rest of my life but I do not want to resent him which is what will happen if I can't have a girl because of him.

I really, really, really want to have a daughter. I have the pink room. I have the dolls and tea set. I even have clothes for a girl. I just need the girl!!

So, I guess we'll see what the collaborative answer is - the doctor, the therapist, the cw and us - before any decisions are made.

Evaluation

Today is T's evaluation. I'm curious to see what Dr. C will have to say and whether he thinks T should be on medication. T has been so much better this week. The whole house is calmer when T is making better choices.

When we started thinking of becoming parents there were so many obstacles to overcome. First, how do we get a kid? It's not like we could ever have an oops baby so this was going to require some planning. Yes, we found a donor and tried IUIs. After 5 months I was pregnant. A couple of weeks later I wasn't pregnant anymore. Anyone who's miscarried a much wanted child will know how much that sucks.

We made the choice to switch donors. We tried again for six months. We were anxious to be parents and just didn't have the patience for this mess anymore. We couldn't afford IVF.

We looked into domestic and international adoption. I really wanted to adopt from Haiti but where was the money going to come from?

Then we learned about our agency and how you can adopt through foster care. It is relatively inexpensive which meant we wouldn't have to go into debt and we could afford to adopt again.

So, you see.....we didn't get into foster care to 'save the children'....we did it because we wanted to be parents. We didn't educate ourselves enough on attachment issues. We were naive and really thought we could handle almost anything.

Man, were we stupid.

We accepted the placement of a 4 year old boy that he lived in at least 3 foster homes before ours. We should have asked more questions. We should have gotten a better evaluation from the start. We should have been more aggressive with our attachment therapy. Or.....we should have passed on the placement.

But, the thing is, we didn't. Now we have to deal with where we are at the moment.

At the moment, we have a funny, smart and hurt boy that is trying the best he knows how to be what we want him to be. He wants us to be proud of him. I hope that means there's some attachment there. I hope that means for all the bad we've done that we've also done some good.

Booties!

I saw this pattern for Bitty Booties and I knew I had to make them. Granted, we don't have a baby (thanks to the judges in our county) but J's sister has a baby boy that they just might fit. So, here's my first shot at it. Cute huh? For some reason I had trouble with the blanket stitch. I know that blanket stitches aren't hard but I kept attempting to do it upside down or something. I don't know but it was very frustrating. Anyway, I made them from red felt that I had in my small stash. I used white embroidery floss to embellish with circles.

I loved this pair so much that I had to make another. Here is my second attempt. I took the photo this evening so I didn't have a lot of natural light to work with. This isn't really true to color - they aren't quite that bright blue.

I really like them! I'm going to be mailing them off to little V soon. I sure hope they fit!

In other news, I've finally made an appointment to get T a psychological evaluation. We've also got to stuff a cw visit and our family worker visit in this week too. Ugh. I hope they go well.

Subtle

So far I can say that I've noticed subtle differences. I guess that's encouraging. I'm certainly not a zombie. I don't sit around in a daze while the world goes on around me. I don't walk around with a smile on my face all day either. I still get annoyed/upset but not at as many things as before.

For instance, J and I have started having a 'date night' where we drop T off with my mom (whether he's under some sort of punishment or not) and she and I do something together. This week we went to a place that has a lot of activities which is particularly attractive to kids/teenagers. There were plenty of them there. Normally, the amount of people and chaos of the place would have grated on my nerves and I would have gotten over-stimulated and annoyed.....but I didn't. I just sort of went about my business without paying them any mind. I was able to have fun without worrying if I looked stupid.

The best part was that I didn't even realize it at the time. It wasn't until we were driving home that J mentioned how much better I was. I wasn't hyped up like I was on a sugar high but I wasn't overly mellow like I was drunk either. I was just kind of.....normal, I guess. Well, other people's normal. *L*

I need a gold star cuz I was such a good girl! ;)

Lexapro

After spilling my guts to the doctor I was given a prescription for Lexapro. The pharmacist suggested starting with 1/2 a pill a day to avoid the drowsy period. Both said that generally the medication starts working in 1 to 2 weeks. Lexapro is an SSRI and is most commonly prescribed for depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).

Wouldn't it be interesting if my personality totally changes into a kinder, gentler me? It would probably be pretty funny. I guess the only thing we can do is wait and see.

Let me know if my posts get any nicer, okay?

I Need This to Work

T stole food again last night. I went crazy. I'm talking seriously nutzo! I was so angry that the word angry doesn't even cover it. I was livid. I was shaking and not making any sense. It was a total Incredible Hulk moment. It scared me and then I ended up a heaping mess on the floor bawling my eyes out. The only positive I can take from the situation is that my crying fit made T cry. He was already crying from getting caught and getting yelled at but this cry was different. He was crying because he had made me cry.

I don't ever want this to happen again (the going nuts part) so that's it...I've made a doctor's appointment and I'm going to ask for medication. I don't believe it's a quick fix. After two years of dealing with this child and doing everything we can possibly think of, well, I need help to carry on.

It's this or I'm going to start drinking.

Well, That Sucked

On Monday, J and I spoke with T's therapist about our issues. No, not our issues with T, our issues with each other. It was hard and I cried (which I didn't want to do) and I got mad and defensive. Afterward, J went about the day as normal but I fumed. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

Yesterday I decided to say something. I told J how I felt that some of what she said wasn't fair. I told her that I wasn't sure how to go about not taking things personally. J thinks I don't trust her and honestly, sometimes I don't. She acts so childish sometimes that I don't trust that she will do the responsible thing. Is that my fault, her fault or are we both to blame?

I guess I should focus less on J's part in this and more on what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to take time for myself and not try to control how J handles things while I'm not around. I'm supposed to stop enabling J - I'm not her mother. And most importantly, I'm supposed to stop seeing J's actions as a reflection on myself. If she wants to act like a fool, that's on her and not a reflection on me.

I'd love to tell you what the therapist said about J and what she needs to do and all the times she totally agreed with me but I won't. It won't help anything.

Goodbyes

One of my coworkers is leaving soon. He is moving to Holland to work for a sister company after working here for two years. Even though his last day is still 6 days away, we had a send-off lunch for him today. Now he has plenty of stuff to remember us by.

I'm going to miss my friend (even though he blames all of T's issues on the fact that he has red hair). I hope he likes his new job and new country. Our office won't be the same without him.

Goodbye P! Please keep in touch.

Another Day

Gosh, it's been a while! Let's see.....where were we?

I'm pleased to say that T's therapist has been pretty regular. Yeah, she's frequently late but at least she calls and eventually shows up. I don't know how much good she's doing but between her and our slightly better attitude with T he seems to be doing a bit better. And I mean a bit. He still lies and steals food but he appears to be trying (sometimes). So, he's still here. J is still here and most surprisingly, I'm still here.

I haven't made anything lately but I want to. I want to start on a Christmas project and I want to try my hand at some baby booties. In order to do either of those I need to make a trip to the fabric store and I'm kinda low on funds at the moment.

We've been painting and doing minor cosmetic things to our rental house in hopes to sell it. Hopefully sell it very quickly and make a healthy profit on it so that we can pay off a couple of credit cards.

I had planned on going to a scrapbook retreat in early September but it doesn't look like that's going to happen for a couple of reasons (money being one of them). It would have been really cool though.

I think I'll see what's on cable.

Picture Parade

I finally downloaded the pictures from the camera to the computer. It's not difficult or even that time consuming but it's something that I always put off so I'm glad I finally did it. So here we go...

Well?? What do you think? I got the pattern free from Sewing Stars (see bloglines). I made them for a friend who has three boys. I wanted them to all be the same color (less arguing) but each different enough that they would remember who each one belongs to. I like the polka dotted one the best. Oh, here's what they look like from behind.

I don't know why this picture is a little blurry. I had to take this picture in my bedroom because that was the sunniest room in the house at the moment.

So, these little guys are in the mail headed to C, M & K. I hope they like them!

In other project news...about two days before school ended I actually thought, "um, are we supposed to give the teacher a gift???" I had made her a gift at Christmas but I figured it was better to be safe than sorry so I went through my very, very small fabric stash and put together this tote.

I love the blue toile! I actually used this same material to make a purse for my mom (which I've never seen her use even though she requested it and promised she would use it). The inside is lined with a light blue material with little navy polka dots. I tried to get a good shot of it but it was night time and the camera flash just wasn't getting it. I pinned a crochet flower to the front. I can't crochet but I had my mom make several of these flowers for me in different colors. I think they look particularly cute on tote bags. Let's see if I can find a better shot of the flower...

Hhmm.....blogger keeps saying I've uploaded it but it's not appearing. Maybe I've reached my picture limit for one post. Okay, if anyone is dying for a close up, let me know and I'll post it later!

Gonna Do It

I can only really think of one thing I really need to finish - the others went in the trash a while ago. Back in September or so, I started embroidering (is that a word? spell check doesn't seem to think so) a short table runner. Well, I finished the embroidery but never hemmed it. Not very exciting, I know.

Weeeeeeell, there's this other embroidery piece I have. I didn't start it, my grandmother did but I've never finished it because....well, I don't know. I guess I was afraid I wouldn't do it justice but maybe it's time.

I've taken some pictures of recent projects but haven't uploaded them onto my computer yet. Guess that's something else I need to work on!

Holding Pattern

No major changes have occurred recently. That's about as plainly as I can put it.

As previously mentioned, our cw picked T up the night of the 26th and took him to another foster family. They gave him soda and took him to Chuck E. Cheese so he was happy. J and I slept in and ate lots of ice cream and did a fair amount of shopping so we were happy.

Okay, so we fought too - mostly the first day but then we settled down and decided to enjoy our time without T.

Our cw brought T back on the 29th. The first thing he did after he got home was to tell a lie. As I was unpacking his back and sorting his dirty clothes he said, "um, they don't eat until 10:00." It was 8:30 when he said this. I knew he was lying so I said, "well, that's too bad because you're about to take a bath and go to bed." J heard what he said and came in to say, "You know, we have their phone number. We can just call them." Then he realized he'd blown it and admitted that he was lying.

That was four days ago and this morning he tried it again. He told me that he didn't have breakfast yesterday. See, yesterday was the first day we've taken him to daycare in the morning. J and I didn't give him breakfast before he went because we know the daycare serves breakfast. T apparently doesn't know that we know that and saw it as yet another opportunity to get more food. So I said, "you had breakfast at daycare." He just said, "oh."

So I left for work and J took him to daycare. He ran right to the table and demanded a bowl. J reminded him that he needed to put his things away first so he ran to the room to put them away and ran back to the table. Literally ran.

I swear, this food obsession is going to be the death of me. Okay, so I know that it stems from being in foster care but it's so frustrating to always have to police every situation. I hate having to trust that the daycare workers are watching him. It's just a matter of time before he pinpoints the sucker tells them some sob story (like he did at school) and convinces them that we're starving him and get them to give him more food.

Who knows what really happened over the weekend. He was noticeably bigger (in the face and stomach) so they must have fed him a lot - well, that or he stole a lot of food.

Since the cw is so adamant about not moving him, I'm holding on to this....once his parental rights are terminated then it will be time to adopt him. If we refuse, they will have no other choice but to solicit families and choose an adoptive home for him.

So, if we continue therapy and our feelings about him don't change - that is, we don't feel we're the right home for him / cannot parent his particular issues any longer, there will come a time when a line is drawn in the sand.

Respite

We have asked (for the first time since we've had T) for a break. T will go to stay with another foster family for a few days while J and I take some time for ourselves.

I have never been away from him for longer than 12 hours so it will be a little weird.

I don't know what he's going to do with this family - whether he will steal food or tell them that we starve him. Those are the two big ones. I certainly don't want to open myself up for an investigation because he lies but we really need this break and if that's what happens. then that's what happens. Our cw knows he lies. His therapist knows he lies. I think we'll be okay.

J and I haven't decided where we're going yet. Her birthday is the 28th so we should go wherever she wants but I really don't feel like flying to Cleveland just to go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (again). However, there is that kick ass stationery store in the mall.....

In other news I am not feeling very well. My throat is killing me and my ears are hurting. My whole body aches and I'm so sleepy! I haven't developed a cough but it could be on it's way. I don't want to be sick while T is gone! I want to enjoy myself! I guess I'd better rummage through the medicine box for something to ward this yuckness away. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight too.

Um, yeah

I feel kind of dumb posting when I don't have much to say. Right now I'm sitting on my home computer with a dog face on my foot. My pug is snoring on their big plaid pillow and all four of them desperately need a bath. Exciting, huh?

The only news I have is that I emailed our cw today to tell her which days we need respite care for T. We have never been away from him overnight in the (almost) 2 years he's been with us. We are long overdue! I am worried what will happen to him while he's with another family. Will he steal food? Will he tell them outrageous lies about us (most likely)? Will he be a perfect angel and they'll think we're insane? Will he love it there an give us more trouble when he comes back home?

Part of me hopes they fall in love with him (or the fantasy version of himself he will present to them) and they beg us to take him. And if he loves it there too then I wouldn't feel so guilty about not wanting to adopt him. We would be making everybody happy!

I know, I know.....I need to snap out of my dream world, huh?

I just noticed the fish are staring me down because I forgot to feed them earlier. Whoa....creeeepy!

Guess I'd better get on that.