Plans

I like to have plans even though they rarely work out. I think having a plan gives me a sense of control that I need however I later have to have flexibility when the plans don't work out.

I had planned on getting a second job. I applied and had an interview at a store who's logo is similar to a dart board. Got it? Well, I was told I'd get a call for a second interview but I haven't. I can't explain how that makes me feel. On one hand I am relieved because I never really wanted the job to begin with but on the other hand my ego is a bit bruised. I mean, come on....I've been turned down for a retail job? I must have come off badly in my interview.

We met with an bankruptcy attorney yesterday. It was advised that I should not have a second job at the moment as it would affect filing for bankruptcy so I suppose it was for the best.

We finally did get a call back about the fire inspection however they require our gas lines to be checked by a licensed plumber. The cheapest estimate we got for that was around $250. Have I mentioned how we don't have any money? Yeah, that kind of sucks. So, J had this great plan of taking back the tile we bought and getting our money back (around $200) to help pay for the plumber but for the life of me I can't find the receipt! I absolutely must find that receipt or it will be a very long time until we can afford the plumber which means our fire inspection won't be done which means we cannot have any children.

I miss being a mom. My heart aches to be a mom again.

J has applied for and gotten a second job. She is supposed to go in for training this week.

Depressed

Things aren't looking too rosey at the moment. We can't get a foster/adoptive placement until we get our fire inspection updated. I've sent away the application but haven't received a phone call yet. The van is having problems and costing us a bunch of money we don't have to fix it. Speaking of money....I'm so broke I can't even afford to pay attention.

It's bad here folks. It's so bad that I'm attempting to get a second job. This makes me very angry and resentful. I shouldn't have to get a second job but I guess I shouldn't have allowed things to get to this point.

However, if I had a second job, I'd have to quit if (when) we get a placement. I certainly wouldn't have the time to take care of a child and work two jobs. So, I'm looking at it as a temporary way to help pay for some of these unexpected expenses.

I Did It!

I had no problems logging on today! What's up with that?

Still Having Problems

I'm still having issues with Blogger. I'm tempted to dump this whole blog. It's not like anyone reads it anyway.... it's just me talking to myself.

We're still waiting for a foster placement. We have taken the mandatory classes and thought we were in the clear for placements but after speaking with the call intake person, she seems to be waiting for an 'all clear' from someone other than us. It's very frustrating but I'm going to try to get someone to tell her that we're good to go.

I got a good deal on an infant carseat/carrier last week and was quite proud of myself for saving $30 on it.

I haven't worked on any crafts that I can post a picture of lately. Mostly I've been working on my scrapbook.

Time for breakfast......

What's Going On?

Blogger is seriously getting on my nerves. For some reason it hasn't been letting me log in and this has been going on for a couple of weeks now. I type in my user name and password then it tells me that my password is wrong. Each time I have to go through password assistance and change the password. Then I still can't log in from the main screen - I can only get to my blog from my account page on Google.

There's got to be a better way! I'd hate to have to shut this blog down and start over somewhere else but that's what I'm leaning towards.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Bow-tastic

I've jumped on the bow bandwagon! So it may be a little over the top to pile your daughter's head with funky ribbons but they're only little once, right? Any little girl that is placed in our home is doomed to wear these...

Have an opinion? Let me know!

Big Footed Bunny

Here's a photo of the sewing project I completed over Easter weekend.




You can find the pattern on Wee Wonderfuls shop!

For some reason I've started working on baby booties. I guess I'm anticipating starting foster care again. We won't be cleared to receive placements until we take two classes (Behavior Management and Discipline) but we've specifically asked for babies. I figure it wouldn't hurt to have some booties of various sizes on hand. Right? ;)

A Quick One

Just a quick post to share what's been going on in my yard.


The info tag fell off but my mom says it looks like a Trumpet Vine.

Blooms on our Meyer Lemon tree. And also, this little guy was making quite the racket in the front yard a couple of weeks ago. He was searching through the leaves and pine needles for goodies. I really had to zoom in for a photo - digital zoom - not the best but here he is.

Happy Spring Everyone!

Tomorrow is...

my blog birthday! I can't believe it's been a year. So much has happened - mostly bad things but I survived! I'm hoping some good changes are coming soon. At least I'm enjoying the beautiful weather we're having and all the flowers that are blooming. Here's a photo of my mother's dogwood (taken by my niece).

Lovely, huh? My mom just gave me a pink dogwood and it's years away from this kind of beauty.

Clothes

Last weekend I decided to look for clothing patterns for myself. I've had my sewing machine for a year and a half and I've sewn numerous things but I can't wear any of them! So, I thought it was high time I made myself some clothes. Off to JoAnn's I went.....I found two patterns that seemed simple enough and bought some material. It took me three evenings (so about 6 hours total) to do it but I did it. I made myself a turquoise outfit - pants and top. I don't have photos yet but I will as soon as I find shoes to match.

It was my first attempt at altering an inseam - I'm short waisted and most inseams are way too long for me. I tried the pants on and sure enough, the inseam was right where I needed it to be! The shirt was a very, very simple style as I'm still a little nervous to attempt sleeves. It was my first venture into interfacing but I don't think I did too badly. I hope the shirt fits properly...I haven't even tried it on!

I'm on the hunt for cute turquoise sandals....

Craft Room

Since we have no children at the moment, that means we have three bedrooms to do something with! We've turned one room into an office and one room remains a guest/baby room. That leaves one room - a craft room all for me!

It's nothing special at the moment. I haven't painted it or anything but I do have this lovely new table that is tall enough to do all fabric cutting and scrapbook projects while standing up. It has two end pieces that extend the table at least 12 inches.



As you can see, I also have a table for sewing and a couple of bookcases for scrapbook/sewing/crochet supplies.

So, what do you think? Should I paint the room? Just one wall? Right now the curtains are light blue with red pinstriping. Maybe a blue room with one red accent wall? I don't know, maybe I should just leave it alone and finish restaining the kitchen cabinets.

A New Start?

Our foster care worker called J over the weekend. She apologized for how we were treated when they moved T from our home and said that they shouldn't have moved the girls. She wants to know if we still want to do foster care.

?

J and I talked about it and we've decided that we would like to continue to do foster care - but only for babies. Being that we had so many issues with the school (and that we have no plans on moving anytime soon), we're not ready for a school-aged child. Plus, babies don't lie.

So now my brain is working overtime. I've got baby vision. We had given the crib and excersaucer back to J's sister (she needed it for her baby) and had packed away all the baby clothes / blankets / bottles / toys. We've already found the crib and excersaucer we want to buy. I'm excited already.

I just need her to call me back. Then I think we need one class before our home will be open for placements again.

I hope we don't regret this.

Finished Product

I hesitated to post this because the picture is crappy but here is the finished JLo Mohair Poncho.

It is very soft, lightweight and surprisingly warm considering the open-weave. The picture that was with the pattern was even more loose and open but for some reason mine didn't turn out that way. I also had to chain longer than what the pattern called for and I added about three rows too. Overall, I'm happy with it.

Another Poncho

I'm working on my third poncho. This one is a faux mohair varigated yarn in pinks and peaches - very girly. I got the pattern free off the internet and it's simply double crochet with a gigantic hook (Q). Here's a photo of the work in progress.

Anyway, I've altered the pattern only slightly - 1) it said to start by chaining 58 but that didn't seem long enough to me so I kept chaining until it measured approx 50 inches 2) the pattern is only 10 rows which didn't seem enough for me so I'm adding a few more.

The photos were with my cell phone again.

Crochet Catch Up

For some reason, the autumn season seems to bring on crafty projects for me. In 2005, I had just gotten my sewing machine for my birthday and I was busy sewing October through December. This past November, I learned how to crochet. My first project was (of course) a potholder...

After that I was feeling pretty confident and since we had the girls, D & P, I made a baby afghan. The weird thing is that I apparently made up the stitch. I thought I was doing a double crochet but after showing my mom and my sister and then consulting several books, it was determined that I created my own stitch.

By the time I finished it, we no longer had the girls. So, I moved on to smaller projects - at first, ponchos...

And then I moved on to hats. Unfortunately, I haven't taken photos of every hat but here are two...

I think my next project will be another poncho - a style similar to the green one.

Sorry for the crappy photos - they were all taken with my camera phone.

A Year in the Life of a Waiting Family

As I was looking through my 2006 appointment book, I came across a very special notes page. I have kept a detailed log of all the children we submitted our home study on and how things turned out. I thought it would be interesting to put it out there...into space. I thought someone might like to see a glimpse of what it's like to be a waiting family. We already had T at this point...we were just waiting to see who would join the family. Here goes...

Oh wait...just a couple of points of interest... I jot down whatever is told to me by our case worker. Sometimes I have age/race/hair color/eye color/name. Sometimes I have nothing at all.

Jan 3 - submitted on A/A girl - D
submitted on A/A girl - K

Jan 24 - Four-way at 1:00 on D
Four-way at 2:30 on K
Up for four-way on 2/9 for baby boy K
*We were picked for K (girl)!! Court date for placement approval on 2/6

Feb 6 - Judge said that we could not have K (girl)

Feb 9 - Four-way on K (boy) rescheduled

Feb 14 - Four-way on K (boy) will be March 10th
submitted on: bi-racial boy - just turned 2
girl C - 3 months old
girl H - 9 months old, blonde/blue
girl T - anglo, heart murmur
bi-racial boy - 18 months old
girl K - A/A, 2 months old
multi-racial girl - 6 months old
A/A boy - 4 months old
girl E - A/A, newborn, tons of hair

Mar 3 - Four-way on girl K (born 12/5/05) scheduled for 3/20
Four-way on boy S scheduled for 3/14
Four-way on boy K was cancelled and we are waiting for reschedule
submitted on: girl L - born 8/05
boy F - born 2/06, bi-racial

Mar 14 - Not picked for boy S

Mar 20 - Four-way on girl E scheduled for Apr 6th
Not picked for girl K

Mar 27 - placement of brothers M & C (foster placement)

Apr 6 - Four-way on girl E
*We were picked!! Court date for placement approval on 4/10

Apr 10 - Judge said no

May 1 - Submitted on A/A girl - legally free for adoption - born Jan 06

May 5 - told our case worker that felt T needed a different home

May 12 - M & C move to foster-to-adopt home

Aug 31 - Inquired about sibling group

Sep 17 - discussed another sibling group with cw, decided not to pursue

Oct 12 - cw called about sisters D & P (3 & 2 y.o.)

Oct 13 - D & P placed in our home (foster placement)

Nov 29 - told our cw again that we felt T needed a different home and that we did not want to adopt him

Nov 30 - T moved to new home - D & P moved to new home

Frustrating, huh? So many hopes dashed. We have not had any children in our home (by choice) since November.

I can only hope that 2007 brings realizations to dreams that were put out of mind and if I can't have that - I at least hope for peace within my heart.

Resolutions

I'm ready for 2006 to be over. I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life so far. There were times when I desperately wanted to run away from everything and everyone but I managed to pull through. I am still a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend but I am no longer a mother. That portion of my life feels temporary though. Dare I sound hopeful that I will be a mother again? I don't know....I just feel like it will happen again, some day.

So, what is my resolution? Well, I resolve to make 2007 my own year. So much of my 2006 was dependant on other's. It's odd how easy it became to take a back seat to my own life. Right now I feel like a defiant three year old - shouting to the world, "You can't tell me what to do!" I don't want to be angry, just more in control of what goes on in my world. It's up to me, so I will only have myself to blame.

What is your resolution?

Goodbye to my Son

It's taken me a week to post this here but here goes...

After 2 years and 4 months, we have made the choice not to adopt our foster son. He was our first placement and this was the hardest decision of our lives.

He was 4 years old when he was placed with us. His previous foster-to-adopt home had said that he didn't bond to them. We thought they just said that to make it easier to move him. We thought that there must have been something about his behavior they didn't like.

He was our first placement....we had no experience with attachment issues, food issues or the highly charming manipulation. We were so naive.

We did attachment therapy (but I can see now we weren't dedicated enough). We policed his every move. We predicted his lies and behavior to his teachers but it fell on deaf ears.

Eventually we got him regular therapy. The teachers came around...we were all working together but it was still falling apart.

I hope, with all my heart, that the family he's with right now are dedicated to making it work with him. I hope they don't have to deal with the lying and manipulation. I hope they can do what we couldn't and that he feels loved and protected enough.

Goodbye T. I hope one day you'll understand that our decision was made with love and lots of hope for your future as well as our own. And I hope (as we've told each other many times) that no matter where you are, you'll always be my boy.

The Empress

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Um, stuff

I've gotten quite slack in posting, huh? Well, let's see....since the last time I wrote we have gotten a new foster placement. D & P are sisters and they are younger than T. We're wondering if D is autistic so we're trying to get her evaluated. I don't know how long we'll have the girls but they have a court date in January so at least until then.

T's behavior hasn't gotten any better and at the moment I'm actively ignoring everything. I've made it clear to him that since he chooses not to listen to me or follow the rules then there I have nothing to say to him. Since most of what he says to me is a lie, I've also told him that I would prefer he not speak to me either.

Let me state here that there's no point in leaving comments saying I'm being mean. You haven't tried everything to get through to this child for over 2 years. I have and then is the point I've come to.

I guess it would make more sense to explain that T's lying has caused us quite the heartbreak. He's managed to convince someone at his school that he's being mistreated and they've called the CPS hotline on us numerous times. We've been investigated and have found to be innocent but it hurts to go through that and to know that your 6 year old soon-to-be-adoptive son would be so manipulative and cause that much pain. It makes us question whether we should go through with the adoption.

Other than that, it's been a mad scramble to get the girls evaluations and doctor's visits scheduled. My back is killing me and I just want a vacation.

I'm doing a craft show at an elementary school this weekend (with a friend) to hopefully sell the stuff I made over the summer. Wish me luck because I could use the money right about now.